


Fall From Grace

by Jot



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-12
Updated: 2007-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 03:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 27,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1453324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jot/pseuds/Jot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Voyager returns from the Delta Quadrant, but things don’t go as expected for the Captain. Darker than my usual stories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Thirty minutes after Voyager burst through the remains of the Borg hub, Starfleet had the ship in orbit in a holding pattern around Earth. Voyager’s captain had been instantly suspicious, but when she received assurances from various admirals that the authorities just wanted to give them a proper welcome, Janeway relaxed. Somewhat.

On receiving further advice that it would be at least another hour before anything was ‘sorted out’, the captain suggested that the bridge crew join Tom and B’Elanna in Sick Bay and visit the baby.

“I want to have a hold of the baby before her grandfather arrives. He’ll pull rank on us all and we won’t get an opportunity until she’s three.” She stood up and started for the door. “Who’s with me? Harry? Chakotay? Seven?” she glanced at Tuvok.

“I will stay here and ‘hold the fort’, Captain. Please extend my congratulations to Lieutenants Paris and Torres.”

“I will indeed, Tuvok.” She ushered the others into the turbolift before her. “You have the bridge, Commander.”

\--<>\--

“I can’t believe we made it. I can say that now that we’re home,” Janeway laughed at the expressions of the others with her.

“I never doubted that you’d do it, Captain.”

“Thanks, Chakotay. But we _all_ did it.”

As the group emerged on Deck Five, Janeway was warmly embraced by two crewmembers who had been waiting for the lift. One was even bold enough to kiss her on the cheek, before they disappeared behind the closing doors.

Janeway was stunned. Harry and Chakotay shared a warm smile and even Seven looked pleased at having witnessed the event.

“Come on, Kathryn, we don’t want to let the Doctor monopolize Miral.” Chakotay said as he took her arm. Janeway, all of a sudden, seemed to have something in her eye.

She didn’t get the chance to ‘remove’ whatever it was, as just then Crewman Yosa suddenly came around the corner and took her hand and thanked her sincerely before continuing on his journey.

If Chakotay hadn’t been guiding her by the arm, she wouldn’t have moved from the entrance of the lift, she was so overcome. She’d regained some of her equilibrium by the time they’d reached sickbay and once inside she let herself relax and enjoy Tom and B’Elanna’s happiness with the others.

\--<>\--

“ _Bridge to Janeway_.”

Janeway carefully adjusted hold of Miral and quietly responded.

“Auntie Kathryn here, Tuvok.”

There was only a fraction of a pause before Tuvok responded. The laughter of the bridge crew could be heard in the background. “ _Captain, Admiral Burke would like to speak to you_.”

“Put him through to Sick Bay, please Tuvok.” She turned to the Doctor. “Doctor, could you bring a terminal over here. It’ll take more than an Admiral to make me forfeit my Miral rights.”

The Doctor positioned a terminal on a trolley and moved it to Janeway’s side.

“Admiral Burke, a pleasure to see you again, sir.” Janeway gave him a radiant smile. “May I present my youngest crewmember, Miral Torres-Paris?”

Burke blinked in surprise at being presented with a baby, and his stern look softened. “Captain, it’s a pleasure to see you too. And it looks like Owen Paris is going to be even more insufferable now.” He managed a smile at the baby before returning to business. “I’m sorry, Captain but I need to discuss some issues with you. May I beam aboard and talk to you privately? Perhaps your Ready Room?”

Janeway felt Chakotay tense beside her. “Admiral, I’ve been assured that the ex-Maquis…”

“I assure you, _and_ all of your crew, that there is no cause for concern regarding the fate of any of Voyager’s complement.” He tried to look reassuring but didn’t quite pull it off. “I need to discuss some things with you privately, Captain.”

Now Chakotay was really tense. His protective instincts had just reached a critical level.

“Admiral,” Chakotay’s voice was soft but Janeway could hear the underlying concern. “Captain Janeway…”

“Is not in any trouble.” Burke interrupted. “Please Commander, I give you my word.” His expression remained stern. “Captain?”

“Aye, sir.” She relinquished Miral into Harry’s arms after gently kissing the baby’s head. “I’ll have you beamed directly to the Ready Room, sir.”

“Understood. Burke out.”

Chakotay was right by her side and Janeway put a hand on his arm and stopped him following her.

“Stay here, Chakotay.” He was going to argue. “Please. I’m sure it’s just some petty issue that can be easily resolved. I promise to call you if I need rescuing.”

\--<>\--

Admiral Burke was already in the Ready Room when she entered. His very serious expression did nothing to calm her. It was clear that she was about to hear something that she wasn’t going to like.

“Sir,” she stood at attention and braced herself for what was to come.

“At ease, Captain.” He looked closely at her. “I’m afraid I have some rather bad news, Kathryn.”

Due to her long Starfleet history, Janeway knew most of the senior admirals personally, some had known her father and were almost avuncular towards her. Burke wasn’t one of them, and he _never_ used her first name. Now she was truly worried.

At that moment, the computer indicated that someone was at the door and Janeway didn’t move a muscle as Burke bid the visitor to enter. The Doctor entered, looking both wary and perplexed.

“Kathryn, I’m afraid I have some tragic news.” Burke took her by the arm and sat her on the sofa by the window. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it. I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident.”

“Mom? Phoebe?”

“Yes.”

Yes? _Yes_? Both of them? Janeway’s mind raced through a myriad of possibilities and then, as if it realized that this was going to be too awful to contemplate, it went blank. She wasn’t aware of the Doctor sitting next to her on the sofa and taking her hand.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. A shuttle accident a short time ago.” He looked at her closely. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

Janeway sat in stunned horror, unable to comprehend how this could be happening.

“We’re going to beam the crew down to Earth and from there they’ll be meeting family and friends. They’ve been granted two days leave before debriefing. There will be an informal gathering at Head Quarters to get everyone together. It’s all arranged.” He looked at Janeway who was still sitting motionless and expressionless on the sofa with her hand in the Doctor’s. “I can inform the crew for you.”

“No,” she shook her head, finally emerging from her mental haze. “No, please. Don’t spoil this day for them. Let’s just keep this quiet, if possible, for a while. Will the press know?”

“No. It wasn’t a civilian shuttle, so there’s no need to release a passenger list.”

Janeway felt like she’d been struck. A Starfleet shuttle. Of _course_. As an Admiral’s wife, Gretchen Janeway would be afforded every facility. Her mother and sister were on a Starfleet shuttle because they were coming here to welcome her home. Admiral Janeway hadn’t mentioned anything to her because in her timeline, her mother was still alive. Janeway put her head in her hand as she was suddenly overcome with anger and grief at the unfairness of it all. Coming home seventeen years early had caused the deaths of her family. This was her fault.

Burke was saying something. Details about temporary quarters. Transporting them. Staying apart from the crew. She’d no idea what he was talking about.

It was a few minutes before Janeway was fully aware of her surroundings again. Admiral Burke had left, but the Doctor was still sitting by her side, still holding her hand.

“Captain, I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do…”

“Thank you, Doctor.” She placed her other hand on top of his. “You’d better get back to Sick Bay. They’ll be worried and I want this day to be the best it can be for Tom and B’Elanna.”

“They’re with Miral, they won’t miss me.”

Janeway got to her feet, grasping his hand in between hers.

“I’ll be all right. And of course they’ll miss you. Go back, please Doctor. I’ll join you on the ground.”

\--<>\--

Janeway managed to stay at the meeting point for a few hours. She successfully kept up a passably happy facade for the crew, many of whom introduced her to family and friends. Never far away, but always just out of reach, was Chakotay, still looking out for her even now that his job was finished. Admiral Burke was directly on hand for the entire time. When she expressed the desire to return to her quarters, Burke said he would accompany her.

As they reached her door, he asked for a private talk. Despite just wanting to go to sleep for as long as possible, Janeway agreed.

“I’m sorry Captain that I have to approach you like this, but these are desperate times.” Janeway just wanted him to go away. She didn’t care about whatever it was he obviously wanted to share with her and she opened her mouth to ask him to leave, only vaguely hoping she wasn’t going to seem insubordinate. He forestalled her by raising his hand. “Captain, please. I need to ask you something extremely important, but first I need to give you some background. Please?” He indicated that she should sit on the sofa.

Frankly she didn’t give a damn about whatever he felt compelled to tell her and made no effort to look interested. She was past caring, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“I’ll start from the beginning. About four months ago, the Federation received a communication from an unknown group. They said that within the next two weeks, they were going to ‘gain our attention’. Twelve days later, an uninhabited moon around Qizos Four was destroyed by an explosion of unknown origin. The Romulans, Cardassians and even the Klingons have reported similar incidents. The analysis is still continuing, but at the moment it’s looking like conventional Starfleet or Klingon standard type weaponry. They’re not very advanced, perhaps even outdated, but nonetheless effective.

“Another message was received from the group a few days later, warning that this was just a demonstration and that next time it would be a _populated_ planet. The really bad news is that, true to their word, they did target such a planet but luckily gave us the location of a significant sized warhead, located in the densest part of the biggest city. It wasn’t detonated, but with it were a list of demands. Even if we considered giving into their demands, we couldn’t. I can’t go into details about those, I’m sorry.”

Burke paused and eyed Janeway carefully, not able to judge anything from her outward appearance. She hadn’t moved and sat very still on the sofa. He decided to press on with his story.

“Anyway, similar devices were found on planets belonging to the Cardassians and, we _think_ , the Klingons. We’re not sure about the Romulans, they’re playing their cards very close to their chest, but we suspect that they were targeted too.

“We, as yet, have been unable to ascertain how or when the device was planted. To date I think we’re up to around 135 to 240 planets that have been named as potential targets by the group. We might be able to protect a couple of these planets… maybe… but the task is just too onerous. The demonstrations of their power and methods have indicated that they’re probably capable of destruction on a colossal scale.

“All this is now made worse by rumors circulating on these planets, and others, that haven’t even been specifically named. There’s been some panic on a few of the planets and even on some that haven’t been named by the terrorists.

“The combined resources of the Romulans, Klingons and the rest of the Federation have only uncovered limited information. Quite frankly, we’ve run out of ideas.”

He hesitated, as if expecting a comment. When none was forthcoming he continued his narrative.

“The terrorists have said that they’ll destroy up to forty populated planets within the next six months, so you can see we don’t have a lot of time.

“We’ve received intel that indicates that a semi legitimate freight and cargo outfit has some kind of ties to the terrorists. To be perfectly honest, we haven’t been able to confirm this information, but at this stage it’s about all we’ve got, however unlikely. We need someone to be within the organization and to maybe get a hold of some kind of information.

“Meanwhile, the only other things we can do are to continue analysis of the debris from the destruction of the moon.”

Janeway still hadn’t responded or shown any interest in what he was saying, but he carried on.

“This is what we have on the group.” Admiral Burke handed her a manila folder of printed documents, rather than a PADD. He was relieved that she took the offered documents as he was beginning to think she was catatonic. “Be sure to recycle them when you’ve read them. Basically they outline our attempts, so far, to infiltrate the organization. All have failed and a few have, I’m sorry to say, resulted in the presumed death of two operatives.”

“Presumed?”

“Disappeared three months ago and haven’t been heard from, or seen since.”

Janeway now realized what it was he wanted her to do. He wanted her to infiltrate the group as well.

“And you think I’ll be able to succeed where these experienced and trained operatives failed?” Janeway didn’t try to hide her incredulity.

“Nothing about you has to be made up and therefore you’re less likely to raise their suspicions. Your family really did die on the day you finally returned from seven years in the Delta Quadrant.” Janeway winced. “Sorry to be so brutal, but to be honest, I don’t have the time for niceties. I need someone. Desperately. And tragically, you fit the bill. Believe me, if I didn’t think lives, and hypothetically _billions_ of lives at that, depended on us finding out about this situation, there is no way in hell I would approach you.” He tried to gauge her reaction. “Kathryn, you’re a starship captain, I’m sure you don’t need to be told about ‘things that have to be done for the greater good’.”

“No, sir. I understand only too well. But what I don’t understand exactly is what you need from me.”

“We need you to get yourself in the employ of the Tingalh and the best way for this to occur is if you leave Starfleet. Or better still, if you’re forced to leave Starfleet. We want you to get yourself cashiered or be asked to resign your commission.” He stared intently at her, maintaining eye contact through the whole plan. “After you leave, you buy yourself a cargo type vessel and somehow you get a job with them. We need someone on the inside or, at least, closer than we are now.”

Burke watched Janeway in silence.

Finally she spoke. “I don’t know if I can do it, Admiral.” She rubbed her forehead. “It’s all too much to take in. Can I give you my answer in a day, or two?”

“Of course”

“And forgive me for saying so Admiral, but isn’t this all a bit obvious?”

“Well, to be honest, yes. But we’re desperate. We’re not sure that we’ll be able to keep a lid on the rumors and panic on several of the planets and, at this stage, the Federation is not sure what its next step should be. We don’t actually know where or when this group will strike, or how many planets will be involved. Even if we could evacuate all the planets we may very well discover that the actual targets are somewhere else. The group has been cagey with details. Your part may be a small battle in a larger war. Obviously, we have other irons in the fire, but we need to cover every contingency that we possibly can.” He took a step towards Janeway and held her gaze. “‘ _All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing_ ’.”

Janeway knew that quote only too well.

“Edmund Burke. Relative of yours?”

“No. Sadly.”

“You play dirty, Admiral.” This bastard knew all the buttons to push and the fact that she knew what he was doing, wasn’t much help.

“It’s my job.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “Look, Captain… _Kathryn_. I know this is the mission from hell, offered to you at a terrible time. This should’ve been a time of immense satisfaction and happiness for you. And to be blunt, was it not for the death of your family, I’m sure it would be, but, I wouldn’t be doing my duty if I didn’t at least ask you.”

Janeway put her head in her hands. It was much too much to take in. The whole day was surreal. It was staggering to think that less than twenty four hours before she’d been in the Delta Quadrant preparing to engage the Borg. Now she had the prospect of another dreadful mission. She didn’t notice Burke leaving her room.

\--<>\--

Janeway spent the following two days, between getting home and the night of the gala, asleep. Or mostly asleep. She was completely exhausted and realized that, by the time of the welcome home party, she’d probably been awake for almost four days straight. After the arrival of Admiral Janeway she hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep and during the final few days, before their attack on the Borg hub, she’d had none.

Admiral Burke had suggested that she remain on board Voyager and she’d readily agreed. At first she’d considered going home to Indiana, but the Doctor advised that she get some rest before trying to deal with family issues.

The Doctor had been permitted to stay on board with her and, although always close by, he tried not to be intrusive. On the afternoon of the second day the pair sat quietly together in her ready room and discussed the future of the crew and Voyager, in fact anything other than her own situation.

When he finally gathered the courage to challenge her about Burke’s request, she clearly indicated that she didn’t want to talk about it, but he also got the strong impression that she was seriously considering the Admiral’s plan.

“Please, Captain, you can’t honestly be thinking of accepting his _so called_ offer?”

“Doctor, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“At least discuss it with Commanders Chakotay or Tuvok.”

“Tuvok is on his way to Vulcan, Doctor and I don’t want to interfere with his recovery.”

“And Chakotay?”

“He’s got other…look, Doctor, _enough_.” She got to her feet. “I’ve got to get ready for this damned gala tonight. I’ll see you later.” And she was gone.

\--<>\--

Janeway arrived at the gala an hour late. Burke had arranged for her to be beamed directly to the event and, true to his word, kept her away from the crew. She could see them from her position on the main podium and scanning the smiling, happy faces, her eyes finally found the table containing her senior staff.

It was obvious that they had been told. Their sympathetic glances were almost physically painful to her. Owen Paris must have told them, she supposed.

Chakotay spotted her almost the second she’d been quietly ushered to the main table and he instantly started to make his way towards her. He must have known she didn’t want any fuss because he moved without attracting any attention.

Janeway decided to meet him out of sight of the main crowd and communicated this with a small gesture towards an ante room to the side of the stage.

She was glad she was able to meet him in private because almost the instant they were in the room together, silent tears, her first since arriving home, began to fall.

Chakotay embraced her and held her tightly.

“Kathryn, I’m so terribly sorry. Is there…”

But he didn’t get a chance to finish his question, as Admiral Burke appeared in the room with them.

“Captain, I’m sorry, but the President has just arrived.”

She freed herself reluctantly from Chakotay’s arms and wiped the tears from her face.

“Chakotay, please don’t let the crew know tonight. This is their night. Let them enjoy it.”

\--<>\--

The news of the deaths of Janeway’s mother and sister still wasn’t common knowledge amongst the Voyager crew, it was, however, known to most of the dignitaries at the event. The one thing she was thankful for was that she hadn’t been called upon to take part in any of the speeches and, as there were no presentations, she was allowed to keep to herself. Her only requirement had been to smile and nod at appropriate times during the speeches.

Later, she couldn’t recall how she managed to endure all of the formal ceremony. She only knew that Admiral Burke was there the whole time.

Finally, the interminable event ended and she made her way back to her room. She managed to avoid all of the senior staff, and only had to contend with an extremely unhappy Doctor who perhaps sensed her intention of going through with Burke’s insane scheme.

Her own immediate plan was to visit the bar downstairs and get absolutely falling down drunk. It was only a coincidence that her plans fitted in with Burke’s request, but for a few hours, she just wanted to escape the pain. No one from the crew were big drinkers, so she was fairly certain that she wouldn’t encounter anyone she knew in the hotel bar.

Janeway was on her third drink when a familiar voice sounded next to her.

“Captain, I am concerned…”

Seven! She was the last person Janeway felt like seeing.

Suddenly ashamed of being well on her way to being plastered, she didn’t need to see anyone from the crew. She certainly didn’t want to have to help Seven, yet _again_ , with advice or support. Janeway tried to convince herself that it wasn’t because Seven and Chakotay were together that she was so angry with the young woman, but she remained unconvinced, so she interrupted.

“Look, Seven. I really don’t care if you’re concerned, okay?” Janeway paused and tried to overcome the urge to hurt the young woman. However, judging by the look on Seven’s face, she’d managed to do so anyway. “I think from now on, you should get your advice from Chakotay.”

“But I…”

“Seven, please… just leave me alone.” Janeway turned away from Seven so she didn’t have to see the bewildered and hurt expression on her former protégé’s face. “Another scotch.” she said to the barman. “A double, straight up.”

Janeway could feel Seven’s presence just behind her, and when, after several moments, she finally gave in and left, Janeway was almost overcome with remorse for her treatment of the young woman. It wasn’t Seven’s fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault really, besides her own. It wasn’t even Admiral Burke’s fault for asking her to undertake this mission.

She leant on the bar, holding her head in both hands. This was a total nightmare. Still, what choice did she really have?

Voyager had returned home and here she was, still trying to save strangers.

\--<>\--

“Kathryn? Are you all right?”

Chakotay. Of course. He always knew, perhaps instinctively, when she was in trouble. It was comforting to be in his company.

He waited for her to acknowledge him but when she refused to turn around he moved to her side. “Seven told me she tried to speak to you.” Damn. Reality crashed in on Janeway. He was here with her because of how she had treated his _girlfriend_. Great. Just great. This was the way it would be from now on, she supposed, all conversations between them would always have the specter of Seven of Nine hovering above them.

“Kathryn? _Kathryn_?” But, damn, she loved the way he said her name. It was like a caress. “Was it really necessary to treat her like that?” A caress followed by a bucket of ice water dumped over her head.

Christ, couldn’t she even get quietly drunk without every damned member of the crew seeking her out. And, of course, it had to be Chakotay. Janeway threw back another drink and looked at him through bleary eyes, realizing that she was going to have to do considerably more drinking before she was immune to this particular hurt.

“Who?”

“Seven. She came back from seeing you in tears. Dammit, Kathryn, I know you’re coping with the loss of your family, but Seven’s your family too.”

“Family? You’re kidding, right?” Suddenly she wanted to hurt him and it felt good to lash out. “I haven’t had a real family for seven years, and now that I’m home, I still don’t.”

“Do you always have to be such a heartless bitch?”

Janeway was so shocked at his words that she couldn’t look at him. Instead she turned away and stared at her drink with such concentration that her eyes almost watered.

Chakotay was equally horrified by what he’d just blurted out and lapsed into silence.

He tried to apologize by putting his hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it way.

Finally admitting defeat, his anger returned and with a final, “Fine!” he stormed away.

Being with Chakotay, even if he was angry with her, was better than not being with him at all and deciding that she still had some way to go before the pain was completely numbed, she ordered another drink.

A short time later, comforted by the fact that she was finding it hard to concentrate on _anything_ , let alone her awful homecoming, she threw a drink back in one mouthful before tapping the glass on the bar to get the waiter’s attention for a refill.

“Captain, your conduct is unbecoming an officer.”

It was Admiral, um, _whatshisname_. Janeway had been introduced to him earlier in the evening but she couldn’t remember who the hell he was, and peering at him through half closed eyes, she didn’t care. The man was a pompous ass. She’d known that ten seconds after they’d been introduced. He was one of the _newer_ admirals. Janeway decided that they must have been desperate to promote him.

She lifted her glass in a toast. “Can I buy you a drink, Admiral?”

The admiral’s face took on an unattractive red hue and the veins on his neck began to protrude, but Janeway found baiting him strangely enjoyable. Here was someone she could hurt without any emotional fallout.

“You’re walking a very fine line, Janeway. You could lose…”

“What?” she glared at him. “I have nothing left to _lose_ , _Admiral_. My family is dead, my skills are outdated, the organization that I have faithfully served for over twenty years is now promoting idiots and the man I love is having a relationship with someone who I’ve come to consider as my daughter.” Oops. She hadn’t meant to say that. There was such a thing as getting _too_ much into character. “I have nothing left to _lose_. So don’t bother trying to threaten me, you pathetic martinet.”

Janeway was particularly proud of that speech. This was fun. Hopefully, no one noticed the bit about Chakotay and Seven. If she could lift her head, she would have checked the bar area but her head refused to move.

In an effort to emphasize her ‘drunkenness’, she fell off her bar stool. She thought the fall went well, as she managed to spill her drink over Admiral Hester on the way down. Hester, yes, right. Now she remembered.

Lying sprawled on the ground, she laughed out loud but made no attempt to get up. Her good humor ended abruptly when she realized that Harry Kim had come to her ‘rescue’. She was now disgusted with this charade and herself. The thought of possibly losing Harry’s respect upset her greatly.

“I’m sorry, Harry,” she said automatically.

“Let’s get you back to your quarters, Captain.”

He picked her up gently and checked to make sure she hadn’t hurt herself.

“I’m really sorry, Harry.”

Harry was holding her firmly around the waist and was trying to propel her towards the exit.

“Captain, you will report to my office at 0900 tomorrow.” She’d almost forgotten about Admiral Hester.

“Whatever.” Janeway answered, but she was really hating this situation now. Could she keep doing this? Could she continue to face Tom, B’Elanna or even Chakotay like this?

Harry was just about dragging her. They were leaving by the back entrance, she realized when she finally managed to pay attention.

“I’m sorry, Harry.”

“I know, Captain.”

“Trust me, Harry, you don’t have the slightest clue.”

How much had she had to drink? They were just outside her quarters. How the hell did they get here so fast?

“Captain, you need to enter your door code.”

“Oh. Right.” She leant her head against the door, trying to remember. “Oh yeah, it’s ‘home’.” She snorted. “Irony, huh?”

Harry entered the code and the door silently slid open. Having relaxed his grip on her, Janeway pitched forward and landed face first on the floor.

“Shit,” mumbled Janeway into the carpet. “Sorry, Harry.”

She felt his hands on her shoulders, rolling her over. When he had her in a sitting position, he just lifted her up, as one would a child, and moved her to the bedroom. He placed her gently on the bed. She mumbled but didn’t move.

“Kim to Voyager EMH.”

“ _Doctor, here_.”

“Doc, can you come to the Captain’s quarters, please?”

“ _Of course, I’m on my way_.”

\--<>\--

“Captain.”

“I’m so sorry, Harry.”

“Captain, it’s me. Mr. Kim has left.”

Janeway rubbed her forehead.

“Admiral Burke wanted you to be convincing. I’d have to say, he got his wish.”

“Please, Doctor. I feel bad enough as it is.”

“I know, and I’m sorry Captain. I’m afraid though, it will be worse if you continue.”

“Hmm.”

At that moment, Admiral Burke transported into the room.

“Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?” Janeway was not impressed.

“Captain. Enough.” He looked at her sternly. “Great performance this evening. Have you decided anything yet?”

“I was a disgusting ‘performance’ Admiral. I deserve to be up on charges.”

“You were following orders, Captain.” The Admiral’s tone softened. “But I really am very sorry.”

“I’ve spent the last seven years holding steadfastly to Starfleet ideals and principles, Admiral. I just don’t think my crew will buy it.” She smiled sadly at him. “And to be frank, I’m not sure I want them to. They’re the only family I have now.”

“It’s a huge sacrifice, I know. If there was any other way, believe me, we’d take it.” He studied her face, as if trying to gauge her thoughts. “If it’s too big a sacrifice, we will understand.”

“Yes, sir. I know.” She adjusted her uniform again. “If no one ‘bites’ within six months, I can return to ‘Fleet?”

“Full rank and privileges restored. Probably a promotion, if you want it.”

“I’ll do it.”

“ _Captain_!” the Doctor was aghast and then he turned to Burke. “No! Admiral, please, I must protest.”

Admiral Burke looked pleased.

“Doctor, I know this is a dreadful thing to ask Captain Janeway to undertake, but you know my reasons.” He turned to Janeway. “Captain, thank you.”

Janeway said nothing.

\--<>\--

So, less than three days after returning to the Alpha Quadrant after seven years of exile, Janeway agreed to another six months in the wilderness.

By now, all the crew knew of her mother and sister’s deaths, and she had to admit to herself, there was a small part of herself that was looking forward to escaping them and their sad looks when they encountered her.

Janeway hadn’t returned to Indiana, finding herself unable to face the empty house, and stayed in ‘Fleet accommodation near Head Quarters. Burke assured her that he would get someone to take care of the house and all the necessary legal issues regarding her mother and sister’s deaths.

She’d requested that her debriefing start as soon as possible and it had begun a day earlier than the rest of the senior staff. This helped in keeping her away from the others. She certainly didn’t want them to see her at her ‘worst’.

Her fall from grace had been well established by the time Admiral Hester, who she’d offended so successfully in the bar after the function, sought her out and ordered that she be sent to his office. After he’d abused her for a few minutes in the corridor outside the debriefing, she remembered that she never had reported to him as he’d ordered. Hester had even gone so far as to demand that a reprimand be put on her official record and Janeway had been impressed by the nose to nose argument he and Admiral Burke had had at that time. There was no better way to get the rumor circulating that Janeway was in trouble than the constant stream of inquisitive officers and staff passing by. They would see to that.

As a parting shot, Hester almost spat at Janeway “I’ll have your pips, Janeway.”

“Have you lost yours, sir?”

For this comment, Hester had Janeway escorted to the brig, despite the protestations of Admiral Burke. Janeway had to admit, Burke was a great actor, as he tried to talk Hester out of the decision. The last thing she heard as she disappeared around the corner with her security escort was Burke saying to Hester “Please, Herb, cut her some slack…”

When Burke came and got her out of the brig about an hour later, he was beaming with delight. He explained that he’d talked Hester out of charging her with gross insubordination but that she was definitely on a strict warning. They could only use her tragic circumstances as an excuse up to a point, but as they entered his office, she could tell he was thrilled.

“Excellent work, Captain.”

“I hate this, Admiral. I really do.”

\--<>\--

Although Janeway didn’t see any of her crew’s debriefings personally, she closely monitored their progress and made sure all her recommendations were followed, via Admiral Burke, who had vowed that they all would be taken care of and given every freedom. Janeway told him flat out, that if any of the crew faced charges, there was no way she would continue with the mission. So far, he’d kept his word.

The crew themselves were told that all Janeway’s recommendations were contained in her logs and status reports created on Voyager, rather than obtained since arriving home, therefore her personal input would be limited. They figured out within days that this meant they would not see her in person.

Rumors started quickly within the official Starfleet crew that Janeway was having real issues at her sessions.

Ensign Hickman reported to a group at lunch on the third day that Janeway had been reported as drunk on duty and confined to quarters.

“You’re kidding,” Samantha Wildman was more than shocked. “I don’t believe it.”

“It’s true,” asserted Lieutenant Jones. “I overheard the JAG Commander on her panel telling an MP about it in the corridor.”

“An MP?” Jenny Delaney looked horrified.

“Yeah,” confirmed Jones sadly. “It seems that the Captain said something to Admiral Hester and the admiral wanted her up on charges.”

“But…” the protest died on Wildman’s lips.

“She needs a counselor not a damned policeman,” Jenny Delaney asserted and the others agreed.

Rumors continued to fly over the following days that Janeway had called her counselor a “simpering jerk with no idea what he was talking about”. This piece of classic Janeway cheered the crew until they realized that Starfleet would not take kindly to this sort of comment.

\--<>\--

“I think the Captain’s in trouble,” Harry sat at the table with his former crewmates, placing his lunch tray beside Seven’s.

“Brilliant observation, Starfleet,” B’Elanna reached across and took a handful of fries off his plate. “Of course she’s in trouble. Since she heard about her family she’s…”

“No, I mean _with_ Starfleet.”

Everyone at the table stopped what they were doing and looked at him.

“Explain,” Seven looked even more unhappy than the others.

“Yeah, what do you mean?” B’Elanna snapped.

“I just saw her being ‘escorted’ down the corridor by security.”

B’Elanna looked stunned and her hand with the fries stopped in mid air on its way to her mouth.

“We must immediately go to her assistance.”

“Seven this isn’t like on Voyager, we can’t just organize a rescue,” Tom said kindly.

“But if the Captain is in difficulty. It is our duty to help her,” Seven eyed the group and played her trump card. “She would do the same thing for any of us.”

“You’re right, Seven.” B’Elanna said absently and looked at the young woman as if for the first time. Dragging her eyes away from Seven, she turned to her husband. “My first thought is your Dad, Tom. What do you think?”

“Yep, Dad has known her since she was a cadet and he’s got some connections in JAG as well.” He looked at Seven. She looked as if her whole world was falling apart. “When’s Chakotay likely to be finished?”

“He is hoping to be finished with the sequestered sessions today. Perhaps then, he will be able to assist the Captain.” Seven was suffering greatly. Her three mentors, Janeway, Chakotay and the Doctor, were all unavailable to her. Nobody had seen or heard from the Doctor since the first day. It was like suddenly he and his emitter were top secret.

\--<>\--

Admiral Burke explained to Janeway why the Doctor hadn’t been given access to his emitter or allowed to leave head quarters.

“We’re not sending you alone on this mission. Your EMH will be going with you.”

“Sir, with respect, no one is going to believe that Starfleet let me souvenir the Doctor or his mobile emitter.”

“Of course not. You’re going to ‘steal’ a ‘copy’ of his program.”

He then outlined the whole plan. She would be asked to resign and Starfleet would attempt, of course, to hush it all up. They wouldn’t want their golden girl to get any bad publicity for them.

“Of course, trying to cover up any scandal almost guarantees that it will be common knowledge, around head quarters, within days.”

\--<>\--

Janeway was glad when Burke decided the plan was to be changed to allow her to use Doctor’s program. The thought of being entirely on her own for up to six months filled her with dread and her thoughts kept returning to her state of mind during the Void, not to mention her disgraceful conduct at that time. She smiled to herself that just lately her yardstick for proper behavior had changed somewhat.

The debriefing had been running for nearly two weeks now and she was heartily sick of forcing herself to be late, rude and insolent. Today, she was getting herself well and truly drunk before reporting late to her final session before the weekend. If she didn’t end up in the brig today, she planned to spend the weekend looking at shuttles to ‘buy’ for her mission. The ship that she was to use had been picked out, but she had to go through the motions of finding and haggling for it.

Consuming a third of a bottle of scotch before 0900 was harder than she thought and she’d thrown down the final drink as she closed the door to her quarters, and she was even later to her meeting than she’d anticipated. The liquor was starting to hit her and she kept on the path to the administration building as best she could.

“Kathryn?”

She stopped and nearly toppled over. Janeway blearily turned to where the voice had come from. Her heart sank when she saw it was Chakotay.

“Kathryn, are you _drunk_?”

She figured she must’ve overdone it if he’d so easily spotted it without her even speaking.

“Of course not,” Janeway lied easily.

“You _are,_ ” He took her arm as she swayed and tried to focus on his face. “God, Kathryn, I can’t believe you’ve fallen apart like this. Let me…” but she didn’t let him finish.

“Oh well, I’m really sorry I’ve disappointed you.” she angrily shrugged her arm out of his grasp and nearly fell over again. “Why don’t you just fuck off and leave me the hell alone. Just get on with your damn life Chakotay and let me get on with mine!”

Chakotay was oblivious to the stares of the passers by, but he couldn’t have looked more shocked by her outburst. He didn’t know what to say.

“So, if you’ll excuse me…”

He winced at the venom she imparted in her voice.

Janeway took a staggering step away from him. “…if you’ll, oh, _whatever_ , I’m late for something.” She lurched away from him and knew, without looking back, that he was still standing where she’d left him.

A couple of hours later her session with the psychologist was over, and she received a communication from Burke. He was again pleased with her progress and congratulated her on sobbing uncontrollably through the whole two hour appointment.

“It’s perfect, Captain. They think you’re a basket case. Well done.”

Janeway wasn’t the slightest bit happy with Burke’s ‘congratulations’. It had been yet another new counselor that had met her and Janeway had actually liked this one. Already upset after the unexpected and distressing meeting with Chakotay, she was totally unprepared for the woman’s opening remark of “Things couldn’t have been more difficult for you, could they Captain?” and had promptly dissolved into tears. All the grief she’s experienced over losing her family, and now her Voyager family, poured out of her in a torrent. Janeway hadn’t actually spoken during the session, but the counselor had quietly talked to her for the hour. She had been so impressed with the work of Deanna Troi, that she suggested to Burke that he find another replacement somehow. Troi was just too sharp for Janeway’s comfort.

\--<>\--

Chakotay fidgeted in his seat. The chairman of the committee had assured him that there would be only one, maybe two days more of his debrief. He was certainly keen to see it end. Not through any worry of some adverse findings. No. His concern was mostly about Seven and Janeway.

Although he was somewhat comforted to know that Tom and B’Elanna had taken Seven under their wings, the irony of the thought of them both now being responsible made him smile, but he was sick with worry about Janeway, especially after bumping into her a few days ago. He knew that something was very wrong, perhaps a nervous breakdown, which would hardly be surprising under the circumstances.

Seven had been distraught when he’d spoken to her the previous night. Keeping himself and Janeway separated from the crew was bad enough for him, but it was apparent that it was quite distressing for other members of the crew as well.

Snatches of overheard conversations in the briefing area had only added to his worry. He’d detected initial sympathy towards Janeway from the officials he dealt with, but over the last day or two that sympathy had turned into something less than tolerance, and in some cases, into an almost hostile animosity that was ill-disguised by a few of the officers on his committee.

He’d requested several times to meet with her, but each request had been denied. One Captain had felt the need to tell him that he didn’t have to cover up for her anymore now that they were home.

“Commander Chakotay?”

His attention had wandered and he was bought back to the business at hand.

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry.”

“I was just saying that we have to extend your sessions. There are some important issues regarding the Maquis and their interactions with the Cardassians at the time you were thrown into the Delta Quadrant that Tactical and Intelligence have asked to be addressed.” The captain running the session shuffled some papers around the table.

“You’ve got to be kidding, that was seven years ago. What on earth could they want to know that would be relevant?”

“Commander, watch your tone.” The Captain was irritated and it showed. “We already have to deal with one member of Voyager’s senior staff behaving in an unprofessional and unbecoming manner. We don’t need two.”

Chakotay acknowledged the captain’s request but didn’t apologize. He was too busy worrying about Janeway. She must’ve been in a bad way for it to be mentioned to him so openly. He just hoped she could hang on long enough for him to finish and be permitted to get to her.

\--<>\--

“Yes, I suppose it looks all right.”

“Oh come on, lady, it’s more than all right. This craft has been working the Benori Sector for over ten years. All the log files and service history are there. It’s a bargain.”

“I want extra dilithium storage installed,” said Janeway, peering into the engine room.

“That’ll cost,” The salesman was getting increasingly annoyed by Janeway. He really hated dealing with people that knew what they were doing.

“And,” continued Janeway, ignoring his last comment. “I want a replicator that _wasn’t_ on Archer’s Enterprise to be installed.”

“Now wait just a minute…” the salesman’s boss had told him that this would be a straightforward sale. They’d had this clunker for too long and he wanted it gone. But Janeway had so far spotted almost every defect of the ship and worse still, she was demanding repair. “Look…”

“No, _you_ look. Either you make the repairs and install a decent replicator, which I’ll be checking by the way, or the deal’s off.”

“Now see here…” Holy crap. He’d never been so scared of anyone so _small_ in his life. This broad was a firecracker and she looked a bit familiar. He tried to remember where he’d seen her, but she interrupted his musings.

“The other dealer has a Condor class utility at a good price. If you don’t give me what I want, I _walk_. And that includes the dilithium, the replicator, oh and the hull plating near the forward hatch.”

He agreed. Just to get rid of her.

Burke had been particularly unimpressed after her re-negotiating the price and repairs but Janeway had insisted that he was the one who wanted credibility and besides _she_ was the one who had to spend six months living in the damned thing.

\--<>\--

She took ownership of the ship, which she named _Bramble_ , and arranged for it to be put on a temporary civilian mooring. It was fairly beat up and barely capable of warp three, but it had carried freight previously and had the added advantage that it looked anything but like a spy ship. In fact, Janeway had spent all of her ‘stress leave’ so far making repairs and enhancements, including putting holoemitters in the small living and dining areas. Actually, the work had proved to be almost therapeutic, taking her mind off her mother and sister, if only for a short time.

Once underway she would further enhance some of the systems so that the Doctor would have access to scanners and transporters. The trick would be hiding such modifications. The obvious emitters had to be put in her bedroom, making it appear that the Doctor was on board for a _very_ specific purpose.

The ship would be reasonably comfortable for her to live in for the next six months or so. Six months. She shook her head. It seemed like a lifetime.

Janeway pulled herself out from under a console and looked at the clock. Almost 1500, which meant that the latest hapless counselor would be coming to ‘re-assess’ her in twenty minutes. This also meant she had to break out the liquor and have a few shots in preparation. She needed to be just belligerent enough to piss off a trained psychologist but not so far over the top to get herself put in a psych ward. It was a fine line and she’d be glad when this part of the charade was over. Lying so much and disappointing her crew, even for a job as important as this, was killing her. The quicker she could get away from the crew’s confused and bewildered looks, the better.

\--<>\--

“She’s bought a _what_?”

“A small cargo ship. The rumor is that she’s sold her family’s property in Indiana as well.” B’Elanna bounced Miral on her knee absently. “Tom, what are we going to do?”

Tom ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Dad says he tried again to talk to her but she blew him off. He even tried to pull rank on her but she practically laughed in his face. I haven’t seen him this upset since I got sent to New Zealand.”

“I feel like we’re letting her down, Tom. She needs help.”

“It gets worse. Apparently she also walked out on another psychologist.”

“You know, if this wasn’t so damned serious, it’d be funny. She’s leaving a trail of shrinks behind her who’ll need counseling themselves after she’s finished with them.”

\--<>\--

“Captain Janeway?” the officer at the desk showed his complete surprise at the appearance of the famous or rather, from what he’d heard, _infamous_ , star ship captain. “Can I help you?”

“I hope so, Ensign…?” she gave him her friendliest smile. She was also sober, for the first time, it seemed, in months. She wanted to make a good impression.

“Foo, ma’am. Ensign Douglas Foo.”

“Well, Ensign Foo, I need a favor from you.” She gave him the look that always seemed to work on Harry. The intrusive sudden thoughts of Harry and the others threatened to rise up and upset her and she ruthlessly suppressed them. “I want to talk to Voyager’s Doctor.” At his uneasy look, she added, “it’s a _personal_ matter.”

Ensign Foo still looked uncertain.

“Douglas, I had seven years to do whatever I pleased to him. I give you my word, I won’t harm him or his mobile emitter.”

“Yes, ma’am. I mean no, ma’am.” It was fairly clear that Ensign Foo had no idea what she meant, however, he was weakening.

“Just a few minutes.” Janeway wheedled.

“Well, I guess…”

“Thank you, Ensign. I appreciate your cooperation.”

She waited for the young man to leave her before activating the Doctor’s program.

“Good morning, Captain.”

The Doctor looked less than happy to see her. He was still unsure about her undertaking this mission.

“Good morning, Doctor. All packed?”

“There’s a smallish data file with some music and books, but basically, I travel light.”

She gave him a weak smile at his little joke. “Doctor, you really don’t have to do this.”

“Captain, we’ve been over this. I don’t think it’s fair on you to do this but I won’t abandon you.”

She squeezed his arm.

“Okay, standby. Here we go.”

\--<>\--

She had to be strong. It was her weakness that had caused the deaths of her mother and Phoebe. She’d been too weak to resist Admiral Janeway, and in turn the Admiral had been weak with her damned plan to bring Voyager home early. When she let her father and Justin die, she’d been weak because she couldn’t decide.

Maybe, for once in her life, she could be strong.

At 0900, four weeks to the day after bringing Voyager home, Janeway walked into the administration building at Starfleet headquarters and ‘officially’ resigned her commission.

After slapping the PADD on Admiral Ilargia’s desk, Janeway turned and walked straight out of the Admiral’s office as fast as she could. Even though she knew that this action was part of the mission, and an elaborate ruse, she didn’t feel any better. Admiral Ilargia managed to make a snide comment about wishing her father could see what a fine officer she’d turned out to be, before she got outside his door, and it was all she could do not to call the whole thing off right there and then.

She made her way directly to the transport station, fervently praying that she wouldn’t meet any of her crew before she got to the Bramble and departed Earth.

\--<>\--

“Well, here we go.” Janeway smiled weakly at the Doctor. “The adventure begins, Doctor.”

“It does indeed, Captain.” The Doctor tried to cheer her up. “We’ve been so starved of adventure in our lives.”

“You know, Doctor, seeing as it’s just us, and technically I’m not in Starfleet anymore, I think you’d better start calling me Kathryn.”

“Thank you, Kathryn. I’d like that very much.” He looked chagrinned. “You’d think after over seven years that I’d have managed to get myself a name, wouldn’t you?”

“Are there any names you like?”

“There are many. Too many.” He pondered. “Mister Paris once suggested Philip.”

“Philip’s a good strong name.”

“Yes, he said there was a famous ‘Doctor Phil’ in 21st Century Earth.”

“Of course he would know something like that.”

“Well, what do you think? Phil?”

“I think you’re more of a ‘Philip’ than a ‘Phil’.”

“Philip it is then.”

Janeway extended her hand. “How do you do Philip, my name is Kathryn.”

“It’s lovely to meet you, Kathryn.”

\--<>\--

When B’Elanna called him at 0530 and shouted “She’s gone!” down the line, Chakotay’s first thought was that Janeway was dead. Until B’Elanna took an audible breath and continued, he was sure that his heart had stopped beating. “She’s taken that damned ship she bought and has just taken off. Left!” Later, he realized that the strange noise at the other end of the line was a sob. “Not even Tom’s dad knows where she’s gone.”

Although all the crew were either on leave or had left Starfleet, the news of Janeway’s departure spread among them just as quickly as gossip did on Voyager. Whereas on Voyager, a nice juicy rumor was enjoyed and even savored, this news was not welcomed and for the majority, it was too upsetting to be even speculated about.

The positive spin that Starfleet tried to put on Janeway’s ‘well earned retirement’ was met with disbelief from the crew. Most seemed to think that Starfleet had somehow let their captain down, especially the Maquis, and a considerable number of the crew thought that they should’ve done more to help her in her time of need.

The remaining members of Voyager’s senior staff sat around the kitchen table in the Paris family home. They had tried to contact Tuvok on Vulcan to see if Janeway had contacted him before her departure, but his wife had said that he was in a deep meditative state as part of his recuperation and she preferred not to disturb him. T’Pel did however confirm that Janeway has not contacted him either.

“I just can’t believe it.” Tom’s words summed up the feelings of the whole group.

“It’s wrong. I just…I…we should do something,” B’Elanna added, rather helplessly.

“Except we don’t know where she’s gone,” said Chakotay.

“Or why,” added Tom.

“I believe it must be my fault,” Seven’s voice was flat.

“Seven, it’s no one’s fault. Sometimes people just…” Tom shrugged, he couldn’t find an appropriate word to describe Janeway’s actions. He looked to Chakotay, who shook his head in shared disbelief. He too was unable to fathom Janeway’s behavior since they’d returned to Earth.

“We’ll just have to stick together until she comes home,” offered B’Elanna. “I’m sure she’ll come home, Seven. And it is not your fault.”

The others nodded and all tried to convince themselves that she would return to them eventually.

\--<>\--

“Did you hear the latest?”

Even though Janeway had been gone for nearly a month, everyone at table in the San Francisco restaurant knew who Torres was talking about. They seemed to talk of nothing else. All except Harry Kim, who didn’t take part in the arguments or discussions. He usually just listened wearing a look of concern mingled with confusion.

“Some news regarding the Captain?” asked Seven.

“Yes, but nothing positive, I’m afraid.” B’Elanna patted Seven’s hand. “I heard from someone in security, that Janeway stole a copy of the EMH’s program just before she left.”

“You’re kidding?”

B’Elanna shook her head and Tom answered with a whistle.

Harry’s head snapped up. His look one of enlightenment. The others ignored him.

“Maybe that’s why the Doctor hasn’t been released yet? Could Janeway making a copy have had some negative effect on his program?”

“Well, ordinarily, if we were on Voyager, I’d say no, Tom.” Her brow furrowed in concentration. “But, well, maybe. There’s no telling what those idiots have been screwing around with, but maybe…”

“It is possible that the researchers have inadvertently damaged his program and are blaming the Captain,” Seven was always unwilling to see her former mentor in anything other than a positive light.

“They must be mightily pissed with her, if she _did_ steal a copy.”

“I’ll say, but the guy said that Starfleet was keeping it hushed up because they didn’t want to have to admit that their golden girl had gone completely off the rails,” at Seven’s pained expression, B’Elanna added hastily. “Er, his words, not mine.”

\--<>\--

“I got a job”

The Doctor was impressed. They’d been on Laxos for less than a day.

“Really? That was fast.”

“We’ll be taking some cargo to one of their sister planets in this system.”

“And so it begins.” The Doctor pressed a hypospray to Janeway’s neck. The medication was to counteract the effect of the alcohol she’d consumed while on the planet as part of her cover.

“Yes, and if I don’t get my job back with Starfleet, at least we won’t starve.”

She was only half joking.

\--<>\--

“I really suck at espionage so far, Philip.”

Janeway had, according to her cover, got falling down drunk at a bar in the less salubrious section of Lleuad. Unfortunately, she realized that it was difficult to remember who she’d even talked to or what she’d talked to them about, let alone their names.

“Yes, the dilemma of being genuinely drunk yet still hopefully obtaining useful intel is problematic.” The Doctor considered for a few seconds. “What about a sub-dermal implant.”

“I thought of that, but if our targets are serious, they’ll be scanning for transmissions and signals.”

“But not perhaps simple recording devices…” he could tell she agreed. “You could activate it before you leave the ship and it will just record everything. We can sort through the data when you’re back on board.”

“Good thinking. Let’s do it.”

\--<>\--

Three weeks into her career as a hauling contractor and things were going very well, from a business point of view, at least. Work was reasonably plentiful and not that difficult to get. After making some deliveries and getting instructions for her latest pickups, it was time to do the hard part of her new job. Being a drunk.

The bar was, for some reason not immediately apparent, brightly lit to the point of garishness. Most of the patrons were dressed in blindingly fluorescent colors.

She felt that she stood out like a Klingon at sewing circle. Apparently, the barman agreed, and eyed her with suspicion and something akin to distaste.

Her career as a would-be spy was certainly getting off to a less than auspicious start. She hadn’t even managed to sit on what passed for a bar stool before the barman addressed her with a snarl.

“We don’t serve your kind here.”

The obvious retort was unfortunately out of Janeway’s mouth before she even thought about it being a bad idea.

“Just what kind _do you_ serve?”

The look on his face confirmed that it had indeed been ill considered.

So she wasn’t all that surprised a few seconds later when two sets of brightly colored arms picked her up from either side and started to march her towards a side door. For a very short moment, she considered resisting but she realized that, although they may have been brightly colored, they were not smiling and they were very large. Not even Tom Paris had been thrown out of a bar this quickly, she was willing to bet. It wasn’t a comforting thought.

In retrospect, “Thanks for the trip” was probably not the right thing to say as they reached the door.

The force that they threw her into the trash in the alley was a bit more than she’d anticipated or hoped, and she hit her head on the wall and was momentarily stunned.

After her head cleared, she gingerly checked that she hadn’t been thrown into anything too toxic or disgusting. When a small box near her left leg moved, she nearly jumped out of her skin. She extricated herself from the debris on the ground and then carefully opened the top of the box to reveal an extremely small and bedraggled ginger kitten.

“Don’t they serve your type either, little one?”

The kitten apparently tried to answer but the mewing sound it made was faint and weak. Picking the little animal up, Janeway looked around the alley but there was nowhere that would even be remotely likely to be its home. It seemed that it had been dumped or abandoned.

Janeway considered the now sleeping cat in her hands. She wasn’t a cat person herself, but she couldn’t in all conscience leave it here to fend for itself. The next drunk to get tossed out of the bar might crush it. No, she would take it back to the ship. Philip might like a pet.

\--<>\--

The Doctor was bemused by his ‘gift’. Especially because from the first day, it was clear who the animal preferred.

“How come Indiana is _my_ cat but she sleeps on your bed, you named her and she follows you everywhere on the ship.”

Janeway looked at him blankly.

“Philip, you know I’m not a cat person and the ship’s not that big. I bought her home for you.”

“Hmm, right. Well, I don’t think Indie has quite grasped that detail.”

Although she made out that she didn’t want any attachments, the Doctor thought that Janeway was fooling herself. She made out that she wasn’t interested in getting news about any of her former crew, but the Doctor didn’t think it a coincidence that the day she got into her biggest drunken bar room brawl so far on this trip, was on Chakotay’s birthday. She’d been in a foul mood all that day and she returned from her ‘recon’ with a broken nose, wrist and several fingers and quite a few deep bruises on her body. He thought he’d heard her crying that night but he hadn’t been completely sure and the noise, whatever it had been, stopped when he’d checked to see if she was all right.

\--<>\--

Janeway sat on a stool, trying to remember how many planets, and therefore how many bars she and the Doctor had visited.

“Captain Janeway.”

“Not a captain anymore. Call me, Kathryn.” Janeway observed her new ‘friend’ casually, while leaning on the bar.

“Of course,” The Bolian examined her closely. “I am honored to meet you.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yes. I was looking for someone with just your skills.”

“Oh,” she now appeared hostile and wary. “I’m not interested. Please leave me alone.”

“Hear me out. You _might_ be interested.”

“I doubt it,” she sighed as if exasperated. “Look, I don’t want what you’re offering, okay?”

“You don’t know what I’m offering.”

“Sure I do. You want me to be some kind of PR person for you. Meet and greet. Someone famous to introduce to your clients.” She took a long pull on her drink and finished it. “I’m not available or probably even suitable. I haul cargo, that’s all. I just want to be left alone. Excuse me, I have to get back to my ship.”

“Captain…”

But she turned on her heels and left the bar, returning to the Bramble.

“I think I got a bite.”

The Doctor administered her dose of detox.

“Lucky you.”

“Philip, where did I go wrong with you?” Janeway smiled at him while she rubbed her neck. “No, I think I was just sounded out be someone from the Tingalh.”

“Really?”

“I guess we’ll know if he makes contact again. He kept calling me ‘captain’ as if he was trying to trick me or something. Anyway, we’ll see.”

\--<>\--

Two weeks after meeting the Bolian, Janeway still hadn’t made contact with anyone else from the Tingalh. She continued to get plenty of work hauling goods and had just dropped off the latest cargo.

“How did it go?”

“Nothing,” Janeway sighed. “I delivered the stuff and then _nothing_.” She reached into her pocket. “However, it wasn’t a total waste of time.” She allowed the Doctor to press the usual hypospray to her neck. “That’s better, thank you. Anyway, I was going past one of the bazaars and heard the most wonderful music.” She handed the Doctor a chip. “My universal translator was on the fritz again, but it _sounded_ beautiful. Sort of like Terran opera crossed with Bajoran jazz.” Janeway picked up the kitten and began to pet it absently.

The Doctor prepared the chip for downloading. “We should try and get a decent personal universal translator for you. The last thing we need is for you to be seriously hurt in a bar room brawl caused by a linguistic misunder….oh _my_.”

Out of the speakers came rather pleasing music and the universal translators on the shuttle had no trouble with the words of the song. However, the lyrics, which were carefully enunciated, were of the most pornographic and lurid descriptions imaginable.

Both Janeway and the Doctor stood listening, stunned. Until Janeway caught the Doctor’s eye and started to giggle with embarrassment. Suddenly the music swelled and the rather emphatic and probably physically impossible suggestion in the chorus caused them both to dissolve into hysterical laughter. Janeway was leaning on the console with tears running down her face. “No wonder the guy looked so shocked when I asked for the whole play list.”

The pair leant on each other for support, both almost helpless with laughter.

“I can imagine Mr. Paris coming home from a shore leave with this as a gift for Harry.”

“I’ll make my log entry now.” And she put the cat down on the counter and turned to the bridge area.

It was like a switch had been flipped. Janeway was instantly serious again, and the Doctor inwardly kicked himself, not for the first time, for mentioning Voyager’s former crew. The slightest mention of any of the senior staff was guaranteed to create a melancholy in Janeway that even large amounts of alcohol failed to achieve.

Her good humor returned a day or two later and she got into a drinking competition with a Denobulan trader, going drink for drink with the alien for about ninety minutes. The barman mentioned it to other patrons and she and the trader had ended up being the floor show. At each completed shot, a good natured cheer would go up from the ‘audience’ and then there would be silence as the opponent attempted their matching drink.

As near as Janeway could tell, the event had ended in an honorable draw when both competitors passed out at the same drink count. At least that was what the barman told her when she woke up, hours later, with the other drinker slumped back in his chair, still out to it.

On another foray, a lusty attempt by Janeway to sing Klingon opera had resulted in her being ejected from the establishment for ‘putting the other patrons off their drinks’.

She was making quite a reputation for herself, but apart from the Bolian, there had been not the slightest suggestion of an approach by the Tingalh.

\--<>\--

Chakotay was supposed to meet Seven for lunch.

As his pay out from Starfleet had been substantial and his needs few, he wasn’t as yet too concerned about finding a job. He was helping Starfleet on a casual basis with questions arising from Voyager’s discoveries, especially since the sudden and unexpected resignation of Kathryn Janeway.

The affect of Janeway’s disappearance from not only from their daily lives but from the planet, had been quite shocking. There had been an extraordinary amount of distress caused by her leaving. Chakotay reflected that it was almost as though she’d died.

Many of the crew had taken her ‘loss’ very hard, especially after news of the deaths of her family was widely known. Chakotay had done quite a bit of talking to various people who were bewildered by both Janeway’s disappearance and her circumstances.

Seven had been particularly upset over the last few months. The lack of Kathryn Janeway in her daily life had been keenly felt by the young Borg woman in wholly unexpected ways. Chakotay had been unprepared for her emotional fallout but even more so for his own.

They had both been devastated by Janeway’s absence.

In the end, Chakotay and Seven stayed together but only as friends. Neither felt, under the circumstances, that they could commit to a relationship and Chakotay came to realize that though Seven was outwardly a mature and intelligent woman, emotionally she was almost like an adolescent who had lost a parent. He wasn’t sure what he would’ve done without the continued help from Tom and B’Elanna, as well as Harry.

As usual, Seven’s conversation was all Kathryn Janeway and he realized that, like Seven, he missed her dreadfully as well. At first, he was surprised by just how much he missed her, but the realization slowly revealed that, contrary to what he’d convinced himself of over the last couple of years, he was still very much in love with his former captain.

While Seven detailed her latest job offers and problems that she was having with getting used to her new non-Voyager environment, Chakotay wondered to himself why he shouldn’t try and find Janeway and see how she was. Perhaps he could talk her into returning. For Seven and the others, of course.

\--<>\--

“Anything interesting, Philip?” Janeway had woken late. She’d been drunker than usual the previous evening and even after the Doctor’s treatment, she’d gone straight to bed, feeling less than well.

“You mean apart from your impressive, if disturbing, repertoire of jokes about daschunds?” The Doctor sometimes found listening for hours and hours of Janeway’s ‘mission logs’ a little tedious.

“You’re just jealous of my quirky sense of humor.”

“Quirky. Now, there’s a description I hadn’t considered,” he handed her the logs. “Sorry, nothing remotely interesting.”

\--<>\--

Janeway took a seat and gratefully accepted the large glass of water the Doctor handed her.

“Philip, I think I’ve had enough. It’s been nearly twelve weeks. If they were going to recruit me, surely they’d have done so by now.” Janeway leant back in the chair while she absently played with the cat. “I want to go home. I want to relax with my friends – if I still have any after this debacle. Chakotay and Seven are probably married by now, maybe even expecting a child. I need to know if they’ll forgive me. I miss everyone terribly.”

“Me too.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. This has to be so hard for you too. On top of everything, and after all these years, you’ve lost your autonomy.”

“Kathryn, please. I’m fine. And there was no way in hell I would allow you to endure this alone.”

“Doctor,” Janeway slipped up on his ‘name’ but she didn’t care. “I wouldn’t have made it at all, let alone on this dreadful mission, without you. Thank you. But I think it’s time we went home.”

“You’re the boss.”

“No, I’m not. We’re a team. A family of two,” she gave him an earnest look. “When we get home, we’ll storm Headquarters and demand your emitter back. Then, we’ll go home to Indiana.”

“I can’t wait.”

“Me too.”

\--<>\--

A few hours later, the Doctor was surprised to see her preparing to visit the planet they were orbiting.

“You’re going to the station?”

“One more time. We’re here, I might as well.”

“Try not to get beat up on your final night, Kathryn.”

“What can I tell you Philip? It must be my sunny disposition.”

\--<>\--

She’d been sitting at the bar for a while and was wondering to herself why, if she had decided to end the mission, was she continuing to drink and on the way to being drunk.

“It’s good to meet you again, Kathryn.”

It was the Bolian that had ‘sounded her out’ a month or so ago. Janeway gave him an uncertain stare as if she wasn’t sure if she recognized him or not. This time he wasn’t calling her ‘captain’, so Janeway was less hostile. The Bolian ordered the drinks, he was having water, and turned in his chair to look directly at her.

“You run cargo you said?”

“Some. What do you need transported and where to?”

“Supplies. Stablo III. And other places.”

“What sort of supplies?” Janeway eyed the Bolian warily. There was something deeply suspicious about a Bolian who didn’t smile.

“You don’t need to know. 600 kilos. How much?”

“If I’m carrying it, I need to know what it is.” Janeway took a slug of her scotch. “Sixty credits a kilo.”

“Too much. Forty.” said the Bolian.

“Fifty. But you tell me what I’m lugging.” She drank the last mouthful of her drink and, not for the first time since this nightmare had started, vowed that she would never touch another drop of spirits when this was over.

“Forty five. Medical supplies.”

If there was anything more unlikely than a Bolian who didn’t smile, it was one who didn’t babble. There was definitely something going on here.

“Deal. But if I discover they’re something illegal, I’ll blow the lot out the airlock. Agreed?”

“The name’s Berjis,” he shook her hand. “Come with me now for an inspection.”

“Tomorrow,” she stood up. “Call me tomorrow. After ten though. I sleep late.”

On unsteady legs, Janeway staggered out of the bar, anxious to share the news with the Doctor.

\--<>\--

“You’re not going to believe this,” Janeway staggered into the ship and the Doctor prepared the usual hypospray.

“You won Arkus V’s Miss Congeniality contest?”

“Funny man,” she rubbed her neck, “I was approached.”

“Don’t tell me. You know how insanely jealous I get.”

“Bite me,” she poked her tongue out at him. “No, I got approached by someone from the Tingalh, I think.”

“You’re kidding?”

“Nope. We’re picking up our instructions for cargo for the Territories tomorrow morning.”

“I don’t believe it. After all these weeks. And just when we’d given up.”

“Yeah, I know. I suspect they’ve been watching us for a while. I’m pretty sure it’s the same Bolian that sounded me out on Eretz,” she became serious. “This may be our chance.”

At last, something was going right.


	2. Chapter 2

Chakotay discovered that it wasn’t too hard to follow Janeway’s trail. She’d certainly made an impression wherever she went. He had no problems following her movements and everyone who remembered her seemed to have a story to tell.

So far, his favorite was the barkeep that remembered her because she’d beaten up a six foot tall Bandi when she found him terrorizing a much smaller and disabled patron a few streets away from the bar. She’d returned to the bar with the extremely grateful man. The man, coincidently, was very well off and he informed the barman that Janeway was to have all the drinks she wanted on his tab, whenever she came into the bar. The only part of the story that didn’t amuse Chakotay was how drunk the pair had got afterwards.

He had everything planned for when he finally contacted her. His whole strategy was mapped out and he was confident of success. All he had to do was find her and make his offer.

\--<>\--

The following day’s meeting with the Bolian was quick and, in less than ten minutes, Janeway received her instructions and fifty percent of her payment. This was definitely a lead. There was something decidedly suspect about her new blue friend and the way he operated. For the first time in months, Janeway felt like they were finally onto something.

Unfortunately, although she’d finally made contact, she realized that she still had to remain in character. This meant the inevitable trip to a bar, even at this early hour. She’d told Berjis that she would be leaving for Stablo III just after noon. That left plenty of time to get drunk.

Janeway decided that she would try an establishment that was a little more ‘up-market’ to ones she’d been habitually thrown out of over the past weeks. Yes, today she would try somewhere where she was unlikely to get punched for being short. One of the bigger hotels would be good. She glanced down at her attire and checked that she wasn’t too casual. Thankfully, she was wearing what she’d unconsciously called her ‘Maquis’ gear. Leather pants and vest. Deciding that she would pass muster, she entered the first deluxe hotel she came across and made her way to the bar.

Bars never closed, even in high class hotels, thanks to the prevalence of space travel and the multitude of time zones from which patrons were coming or going. This particular bar adjoined the hotel restaurant and, from her vantage point on a stool at the end of the bar, she could see some of the guests eating.

The ambiance was mellow and the music was understated. It had been a while since she’d been in any establishment that didn’t need to be cleaned out every morning by giant sonic hosing to remove the blood and grime.

She was sorely tempted to order a coffee. She could smell it brewing behind the counter, but realized it was vital to remain in character, so she ordered her customary double scotch. At least it was of much better quality than what she usually consumed and she sat quietly at the bar and sipped it, the only drinker at this time of planetary morning.

“ _Kathryn_?”

The voice came from the person who had just sat next to her. She, of course, recognized him straight away. There was only one person’s voice that had that instant affect on her.

“Chakotay?”

She turned and looked at him. He hadn’t changed that much. Perhaps more tanned, which suited him and he looked even more handsome than she remembered. Damn him.

There was a silence that was broken by Janeway ordering another drink, which she suddenly felt she needed. Chakotay, for his part, seemed to be at a total loss. He wasn’t going to risk asking her about drinking again and finally started with a, hopefully, more neutral topic.

“Kathryn, I’ve missed you so much. How are you?”

“I’m fine. What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you, actually. I just arrived about an hour ago. I was coming down for some breakfast.”

“Why are you looking for me?”

“I don’t know how you can ask that question, Kathryn.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I was upset when you took off like that. We all were. We want you back. _I want you to come_ _home.”_

Without prompting, Chakotay began to give her details of the crew that she desperately craved but dreaded at the same time. He bought her up to date with all the senior staff as well a handful of the higher profile crew. She wished he’d just stop and she noticed that he was now staring at her with a look that was a study of concentration. Janeway tried to blot out what he was saying, something about he and Seven not being together. This was becoming way too hard and she wondered what he’d do if she just ran out of the bar. Not being able to bring herself to do that, she decided to just listen to his voice, if not what he was saying.

A gentle hand on her arm bought her back and, finally making eye contact, Chakotay took a deep breath and continued. “Kathryn, I love you. I want to be with you. Come back. _Please_.”

Janeway stared at him.

“Well?”

This couldn’t be happening. Chakotay had finally come to her and professed his love and hope that they could now be together. It was her secret fantasy.

His timing _sucked_.

Despite having at last made contact with the Tingalh and getting her first shipment with them less than thirty minutes before, she considered very seriously abandoning her mission and just kissing him.

Her soul desperately wanted to answer him in the affirmative. She wanted to scream ‘Yes!’ She visualized herself in his arms – kissing him, having candlelight dinners, making love, being held, waking up next to him every morning. She closed her eyes but the fantasies continued to tumble through her mind – sitting in front of a fire, eating his cooking, having his children, being with him forever.

Simply seeing him every day and feeling cherished was everything she’d hoped for during the last five years, or maybe longer if she was honest. He was finally here, with her, holding her hand, looking into her eyes with that goddamned sincere look of his.

“No.”

“ _That’s it_? Just ‘ _no_ ’?”

“No. I’m sorry.”

He was incredulous and almost angry with her.

“I think I deserve more of an answer.”

Janeway just looked more obstinate. She wasn’t sure she could trust herself if she risked speech.

“Please?”

She said nothing. Until she ordered another drink.

“I don’t understand this self imposed exile, Kathryn.”

 _Join the club_ , thought Janeway, but she remained silent, and stared into her glass. She couldn’t look at him.

“What about your friends? What about your career? Don’t you feel any sense of responsibility to them?”

At that point, she almost broke down and told him everything.

How much more of this could she stand? She had to make him go away. Now. This was torture.

“Look, if there’s nothing else, Chakotay, I’ve got deliveries to make,” she chugged down her scotch, for once grateful that it might make her numb in some way.

“I thought we were friends,” Chakotay said softly, making one last attempt.

Janeway couldn’t make eye contact with him. She was leaving her money on the bar and was obviously making to leave.

Chakotay’s anger bubbled up again. He didn’t know what he expected when he finally found her, but it certainly wasn’t this. Or even this person. He couldn’t see any of the Kathryn Janeway that he knew. “Well, go to hell, Kathryn.” He turned and left her.

She stared after him, her face a mask of pain. “I’m already there, Chakotay.” And she too, left the bar.

The Doctor thought Janeway was just a little too insouciant after telling him about meeting Chakotay in the bar. She had given him the updates on their friends that she could remember from what Chakotay had told her, but the Doctor couldn’t help but think she was leaving out some details. She made it clear that she didn’t want to discuss the meeting, so he didn’t push. He knew she would tell him sooner or later.

\--<>\--

“Well, we’re definitely in, but I’m not sure what good it’s done us.”

“They do seem to be able to keep most information very close to their chests.”

“It’s Berjis I don’t trust.”

“The only non-chatty Bolian in the galaxy.”

“Exactly,” Janeway stared at her glass of juice. “And I don’t want to blow our cover by trying to get anything out of him.”

The Doctor nodded in glum agreement.

“You’ve done a detailed scan of the latest shipment?”

“Yes,” sighed the Doctor. “And it’s the same as the last one. All fairly innocent, if not completely legal.”

They had established early on that the cargo, though innocuous, was generally misrepresented. Mainly, they surmised, to avoid import duty on the various planets and colonies they had so far delivered cargo. Even so, they were getting to know customs and border guards quite well. Generally they were only given a cursory inspection but, these days, more often than not, they passed without one.

“I even checked this lot,” the Doctor motioned towards the cargo bay, “for concealed data files.”

“Clever,” nodded Janeway. “Anything?”

“Sadly, no. Not even a basic file saying ‘hello world’.”

\--<>\--

All the deliveries Janeway made were on the list of threatened planets within the Federation. In fact, in the two months she’d been contracting to the Tingalh she’d only been sent to those planets. As were most of the other ships that were working for them that she’d managed to contact. What was completely mystifying was the purpose of those deliveries. They paid premium prices to have the most mundane of items carried.

The Doctor continued to carefully examine their cargo but there was nothing that could be even remotely considered suspicious.

At every opportunity, Janeway had tried talking to the other contractors, but they all seemed to be just doing their jobs and happy for the handsome payments. The most unsettling thing was that some of her fellow couriers had disappeared. It took a while for her to notice that some faces weren’t around anymore. No one seemed to think that it was strange that they were suddenly gone. But, she supposed, they could have merely found better contracts.

It was just so damned frustrating. There had to be a pattern here. What was it that set the Tingalh cargo apart from the other companies that operated in the area?

While the Doctor was scanning her cargo, she got herself on some other ships to have a look at what they were carrying. She’d been invited onto a couple but others she got on any way she could, including breaking and entering. All the visits had come to nothing. There was nothing in the cargo on any of the ships that could, by any stretch of the imagination, be considered dangerous or even be used in a negative way.

\--<>\--

Janeway and the Doctor tried to read the large paper chart that Janeway had of the other Tingalh ships and the planets they serviced.

“It’s not to scale obviously, but,…”

The chart suddenly had a large, moving lump under it.

Janeway soldiered on, despite the distraction “…as you can see, above Indie, those three ships are no longer…”

The lump suddenly caused the map to make a small tent and then slide towards the edge of the bench.”

Janeway reached under the map and removed the kitten, placing her gently on the floor.

“Anyway, apart from when we met six or seven of them a couple of weeks ago, it seems that everyone has been spread across the territories and beyond.”

“Hmm,” the Doctor looked closely at the map, “it’s hardly uncommon for a freight company to send ships to various locations. I suppose…”

A ginger streak hit the table and slid across the other side, taking the chart with it.

They both peered over the edge to see the cat attack the large piece of paper before running off with her tail erect.

“Recklessness must be a red-headed thing,” quipped the Doctor, as he smoothed the slightly torn and creased paper back down.

“She sure brightens up the place,” agreed Janeway, as the red flash darted past them to a new hiding spot.

It was one of the few times since this mission had started that the Doctor had heard Janeway laugh and _mean_ it.

\--<>\--

Janeway paced out on the exercise machine, trying to mentally put together, for the thousandth time, the pieces of the Tingalh puzzle. As she picked up the pace to a brisk jog, she knew it was only a matter of time before their most recent crew member turned up.

As if on cue, the red blur that was Indiana, ran across the treadmill and behind a chair. It seemed to be the cat’s favorite trick, to dart across the apparatus in front of Janeway and then hide. For the whole ten kilometers that Janeway would run. Anticipating the next feline fly-past was much more diverting than trying to figure out what Berjis was up to.

Just as Indiana decided to make her next foray, the Doctor walked in, causing the kitten to leap up and manage a 180 degree turn mid air and scuttle back to her hiding place behind the chair.

“Is that normal behavior for a cat?” asked the Doctor.

“No idea, but she’s _your_ cat, so maybe she’s picking up any mental instability from you.”

\--<>\--

“Commander, how are you?”

Chakotay usually enjoyed his meetings with Lieutenant Smith, the protocol officer he liaised with while he wrote his book on Voyager’s Delta Quadrant experiences. His counselor had suggested he write down all his adventures, reasoning that if he was enjoying hearing about them, other people would as well.

At the ‘loss’ of their other main star, Starfleet had been only too happy to consent to his writing a book, especially as he’d taken on many of the speaking engagements and other public type appearances that, in the ordinary course of events, would’ve fallen to Voyager’s captain.

Chakotay shook Smith’s hand.

“I’m well, Jake, thank you. And please, I’ve told you before, call me Chakotay.”

The two men sat down to discuss the latest chapters of the book that Chakotay had submitted. So far, Starfleet had been very helpful and hadn’t objected to any of the content he’d included.

As they got to a section dealing with Janeway’s reactions and handling of a particularly bureaucratic and tedious culture they had encountered, Lieutenant Smith smiled as Chakotay described how Janeway had been so exasperated by how very _nice_ the people had been. But they both laughed when Chakotay told him how Janeway had wished they had just phasered her instead of making her endure a six hour welcoming ceremony.

“They remind me of Admiral Hester,” said Smith, “well, maybe… except he’s not very nice. _He’s_ a total bore.” They both laughed. “I saw Captain Janeway encounter him after the gala. He was being particularly hard on her, especially under the circumstances, but she cut him down to size.” He smiled but then his expression sobered when he thought about how dreadful it must have been for the captain to come home and discover her family dead.

Chakotay was only too familiar with Janeway’s sharp tongue, but he was interested to hear about the exchange between her and Hester. One of the reasons he liked young Smith was that he still had the highest opinion of Janeway despite all the rumors and stories flying about Starfleet for the last few months. Chakotay thought he should introduce Harry Kim to Jake Smith.

Except Harry wasn’t really speaking to him, he thought with some discomfort. They’d bumped into each other a few days before and Harry had asked about Chakotay’s attempt to meet Janeway. Chakotay had been a little too frank about what he thought of Janeway’s behavior and the young man had taken a swing at him. Chakotay had been so shocked that he hadn’t had a chance to interrupt Harry who shared his fanciful theory about her being on a ‘secret mission’ before he’d stormed off, leaving his former commanding officer to pick himself off the ground. In retrospect, he was ashamed of what he had said both to Harry and Kathryn.

He roused himself to get more information from Lieutenant Smith.

“Really? What happened?”

“Well,” Smith had a quick scan of the area around them to make sure they wouldn’t be overheard. “Admiral Hester made a remark about her conduct being unbecoming and the Captain said…” Smith gave Chakotay a verbatim account. “I’ve got to say, when she said that bit about Starfleet promoting idiots, I thought Hester would have a stroke on the spot. I swear he went purple when she called him a martinet.” The young man sighed. “I wish I’d got the chance to meet her,” he added wistfully.

But Chakotay wasn’t really listening now. He was stunned at what Smith had just told him. She’d said _“_ _the_ _man I love is having a relationship with someone who I’ve come to consider as my daughter_ ”. He couldn’t breathe. He had to get out of this office and out into the fresh air as quickly as possible.

After a few more minutes, Chakotay made an excuse and ended the meeting, telling Smith that he would give him a call when he had the next chapters near completion.

So many things were flashing into his mind now. All the things that Harry had said to him and that he’d been so sure about. He shook his head – how could he have believed that the person he’d known for seven years on Voyager, in so many circumstances, had become that broken woman. Stupid. He could slap himself. He had to get to Harry and talk more about his theories.

\--<>\--

Chakotay called Harry and they met that evening at the Night Owl cafe. It seemed appropriate somehow. As they drank their coffees, Chakotay shared the story he’d heard from Smith. Harry confirmed what he’d said.

“I didn’t tell you or Seven what she’d said, I’m sorry.” The young man looked sheepish. “And I’m sorry I hit you.”

“Harry, I understand. You knocked some sense into my head, I think.”

“I’ve always known how she felt about you and I knew she’d be upset about you and Seven,” Harry gave Chakotay a shy look over the rim of his coffee cup. “Anyway, I picked her up when she fell off the barstool and took her back to her quarters and called the Doctor.” He leant forward and lowered his voice. “As I was leaving, I heard the Doc comm Admiral Burke.”

 _Burke_.

It all fell into place. Burke had kept her away from not only the crew, but more importantly, himself. The night of the gala, Burke had interrupted them and he’d had no real access to her, except for that awful meeting on the sidewalk. He had seemed to supervise all her briefings and had arranged all the counseling, not to mention getting her out of the brig.

The whole senior officer’s debrief, which quarantined her from pretty much everyone in the crew, was obviously a way for her to establish a ‘breakdown’ while avoiding the close scrutiny of those people who knew her the best. His own debrief had been extended by days for the flimsiest reasons, to keep him away from her, he was now convinced. At no stage before docking at Utopia Planetia had there been any indication of anything other than a speedy debrief before everyone was cut loose. Janeway herself had even suggested the same.

“Whatever it is that bastard has her doing, it must be important for her to have sent you away when you went to Krosten II,” Harry looked glum. “That must’ve just about killed her.”

“God, Harry. I can’t believe how I’ve let her down,” Chakotay stared into his black coffee, which he’d been drinking almost exclusively since Janeway had left. “The things I said to her when I met her on Krosten were so harsh. I was so full of myself. So convinced that all I had to do was grace her with my presence and she’d follow me home. She’ll never forgive me.”

“Chakotay. If there are two people in the universe that the Captain will forgive anything, it’s you and Seven.”

Chakotay shook himself out of his self pity.

“How is Seven?”

“She’s doing much better. Once I shared my theories with her, she felt relieved. She’s just not sure what to do with the information.”

The pair discussed what they could, in practicality, do.

\--<>\--

“Philip, I think this may be it,” Janeway had been staring at the chart for over an hour.

“He’s going to use the ships somehow?”

“Yes, look,” she pointed down at her chart. “These are our last known coordinates for the missing ships of the Tingalh fleet.” She leant back. “See a pattern?”

“Not exactly,” the Doctor’s brow was furrowed in concentration.

“These are the ships…” her hand gestured towards the scattered dots, “and here is the list of planets that have received threats from Mangala.” She got a piece of transparent film and overlaid it on the map. “Now look.”

“Oh my.”

“Yes, exactly,” Janeway folded her arms and stood back from the bench. “Not all the threatened planets have ships, but the remainders are probably decoys, I suspect, to make it harder to spot the relationships.”

“But none of them are warships. They don’t even have weapons.”

“Damned if I know. But I get the feeling that the answer is related to the ships somehow.” Janeway absently tossed a piece of rolled up paper off the table. She’d taught the cat to retrieve but it only worked with light things and watched as Indie batted the paper around for a while before picking it up and jumping back on the table for the next part of the game.

“We have to get this information to Starfleet.” He was still staring at the patterns of ships on the makeshift map.

“I’ll prepare a report now, but I still want to get a look inside the Yertoni. Just in case.”

The Yertoni was a large freighter and they knew that the whole crew was about to take leave on a nearby ‘recreation’ planet, which coincidently was on the list of threatened planets. They had noticed that the Yertoni also had very specific shielding around the cargo bay. More than any other ship they had encountered.

“Kathryn, it’s too dangerous.”

“It’s a risk, sure. But if we can gather some more evidence for our theory.” The Doctor tried to interrupt but she pressed on. “And it’s still just a _theory,_ Philip. What if it’s a red herring? We can’t take the chance that resources will be diverted unnecessarily. We need more information.”

He recognized the mulish look on her face. He’d seen it countless times before.

“I want to see what’s behind that shielding.” She said over her shoulder as she went to prepare the report for Starfleet.

\--<>\--

She returned an hour later and handed him the chip containing her report. It was nearly twenty hours before it was due to be transmitted and they couldn’t do it in such close proximity to the other ship just in case they were being monitored.

“Who’s on the ship now?”

“No one.” The Doctor checked his readings. “I’ve double checked and there’s no signs of anyone aboard. Of course, we can’t get readings for the cargo area.” Unfortunately, this information didn’t deter her.

“This is an opportunity too good to miss. I want a look inside. What’s in the hold, do you think?”

“Kathryn, be careful, please. We’ve checked other vessels and found nothing. It’s not worth…”

“Please, Philip, I’ll be fine,” she took a last mouthful of her tea. “We’ve never had a chance to check a ship this big.” She put a phaser and tricorder on her belt. “Is everyone still on the surface?”

The planet, Helios, was sparsely populated but was the site for the most notorious and famous brothel in the system. In fact, except for the ‘Lifestyle Center’, there wasn’t anything else on the planet at all.

“Yes, the crew arrived at the establishment,” the Doctor made a noise of faint disapproval, “about fifteen minutes ago. They’ll be there for two days, according to the booking details I intercepted.”

“Excellent,” said Janeway. “At least they’ll be having more fun than me. Beam me over when you’re ready.”

“Energizing.”

“See you soon,” said Janeway, with a small wave as she disappeared.

\--<>\--

Chakotay had almost given up trying to find Janeway. She’d been to at least fifteen planets in the last month. Yesterday, he’d left Artizar after finding out he’d only missed her by a matter of hours. He was practically at the point of just picking a random planet and waiting for her inevitable arrival. But, this morning he had the strong feeling that he was close and that it was important to find her, as soon as possible.

The barman he’d spoken to had rather suggestively indicated that he should try Helios. Chakotay had wanted to punch him when he’d lewdly intimated that he should just give her a few more hours head start because by that time she’d be well and truly drunk and Chakotay would have a ‘better chance’.

Chakotay was nearly ill at the barman’s opinion of Janeway. There was something not right with the whole situation, he couldn’t believe anyone could change that dramatically. In fact, he didn’t believe it now. It had to be all part of this insane mission he was now sure she was part of.

After a few hours, he was approaching Helios. Sure enough, there was the Bramble, orbiting the planet, but close to a much larger ship.

He hailed the Bramble.

“Chakotay?”

“Hello, Doc. Is Kathryn there?” Chakotay hated to think that Kathryn was down on Helios, as the hideous barman had told him.

“Perhaps you’d better dock your ship, Chakotay.”

Something was wrong. He was now sure of it. There was something very odd in the Doctor’s demeanor.

Chakotay beamed to the Bramble’s ‘living room’.

“Doctor, good to see you, where’s Kathryn?”

“She’s not on board, Commander,” the Doctor seemed distracted and Chakotay could tell that the Doctor was struggling with a decision.

Chakotay’s attention was diverted by the sound of a squalling sound coming from the pilot’s area. A ginger cat was loudly and mournfully announcing to whomever would listen that she wasn’t happy.

“She’s been doing that since about ten minutes after Kathryn left.”

Finally, it appeared that the Doctor had made up his mind.

“I’m worried, Chakotay, and not just because of the cat. Kathryn beamed over to the other ship nearly _ten hours_ ago.”

“Was she supposed to be meeting someone?”

The Doctor was obviously still not sure what to share and Chakotay watched him contemplate and then decide.

“She went on board to check the cargo. Without the knowledge of the crew.”

“Why?”

“We’re trying to determine if any of the contents of the ship could be used as a weapon.”

“I see,” and he really did see. The whole charade now revealed itself to him.

“Anyway, she beamed over there and within twenty minutes, all the life signs on the planet disappeared.” The Doctor looked worried. “I immediately tried to contact her but she’d moved to a heavily shielded part of the ship, although the communicators should still have functioned.”

“Where’s the crew of the ship?”

“I don’t know. When we arrived, I thought they’d beamed down to the planet but…” the Doctor looked solemn. “Chakotay, there should be at least several hundred life signs on that planet.”

“And Kathryn?”

“As I said, I lost contact with her not long after she beamed aboard.”

“Can you get me over there?”

“Yes, but…”

“No buts. And Doctor, if you’ve got some secret distress beacon,” the Doctor looked surprised at this suggestion. “I suggest you activate it. Something’s very wrong here.”

“I agree,” the Doctor passed Chakotay a phaser. “Standby for transport.”

\--<>\--

Janeway walked down the corridor and using the tricorder, tried to determine if she was heading towards the cargo bay.

The sudden insistent beeping of the instrument made her jump and she was shocked at the readings it was giving. There was a life form…no wait, _two_ life forms on the Yertoni. One was Bolian, the other couldn’t be determined. She turned around, deciding to make her way back to the bridge when the a voice behind her called out.

“ _Kathryn_. What a lovely _surprise_. Please drop the phaser and the tricorder and then move this way.” He lowered his voice but not the phaser rifle he was carrying.

She obeyed his instructions and then moved towards the Bolian.

“ _Carefully_. With your hands behind your head.”

“Look, I can explain,” Janeway hoped she could come up with a good story. “I was just…” she’d drawn level with him. “It’s all a misunder…”

He backhanded her hard across the face, causing her to stumble.

“Shut up, Kathryn.” He motioned her to walk ahead after taking her communicator pin and throwing it over his shoulder. “And keep your hands behind your head.”

As she walked through the ship, following Berjis’s terse instructions, she realized, with dismay that they were moving into the area of the ship that the Bramble’s scanners and transporters couldn’t penetrate. By the time she began to wonder where they were going, Berjis told her to stop.

Janeway heard the chirp of a communicator.

“Merat, it was Janeway. She’d beamed over.”

“Of _course_. Bring her in.” The new voice was cold and hard and inexplicably made her think of…

 _Cardassians_.

The door opened and Kathryn saw a tall Cardassian standing in the Yertoni’s cargo bay, inspecting a smallish courier type vessel. It looked suspiciously like a fellow trader, Tzedek’s ship, the Dunia, and it also looked like Merat was carrying a Cardassian pain device. He was holding it like a riding crop and sporadically moving it from under his arm to slap it against his palm.

Janeway cursed to herself. This was bad. _Very_ bad.

“Look, I wasn’t trying to steal anything,” Janeway started, looking directly at the Cardassian, and hoping she sounded more convincing than scared. “I was on a recon. I was thinking of making Utaridi an offer on it, but I wanted to…”

The blow from Berjis caught her by surprise. He must have hit her with the phaser rifle he was carrying and it had caught her just below the shoulder.

“Shut _up_ , Kathryn. I won’t tell you again.”

Janeway fell silent and clutched her arm close to her.

“I know _exactly_ what she was doing, Berjis.” The Cardassian’s voice was smug, mocking.

“I think she’s spying for Melek. They’re always trying to horn in on our operation,” Berjis sounded like he was trying to impress his boss. “I’ve had my eye on her for weeks.”

Merat looked at Janeway. It was a hard, calculating stare. Then, it was obvious that he made a decision. Whatever it was, Janeway knew that it pleased him.

“Your presence here is a complication, Captain, not necessarily _unexpected_ , and not as you humans would say ‘a show stopper’.” Merat turned to the Bolian. “Bring the others here _now_ , Berjis. I will watch over our guest.”

“Don’t we want to keep monitoring and scanning, Merat? Her ship’s just…”

“Her hologram can’t do anything without her. I’ve got everything under control.” The Cardassian was arrogant and Berjis was clearly more than a little scared of him. “Just do what I say. _Now_.”

The Bolian scurried out to follow orders.

“I don’t know what it is that you’re doing, but I want no part of it. If you let me go, I’ll just forget everything I’ve seen here,” Janeway watched the Cardassian closely, “and everyone.”

“It won’t matter who you’ve seen, Captain.” Janeway didn’t like the way he kept calling her by rank. She couldn’t imagine what could possibly be going on but she knew whatever it was, she was in serious trouble.

“Please, believe me. I’m not working for Melek.”

“Oh Captain, I _do_ believe you. You have never worked for Melek.”

“Then why…”

“Please, don’t insult my intelligence anymore, Captain.”

He suddenly lashed out with the pain stick, except he used it as a club against her elbow. Janeway howled in shock and pain and dropped to her knees.

“Only a fool would think you were working for us. You’re working for Starfleet.” And with that pronouncement, he struck her other arm, hard, and she fell to the ground, helpless.

The pain was incredible and she sincerely hoped that she would pass out soon. She didn’t want to be conscious for what she imagined was going to follow. The memory of her previous encounter with Cardassians jumped, unwelcome, into her mind. No Justin and his Rangers to rescue her this time though.

“Allow me,” he bent down and activated the transceiver in her arm. “We’re going to have a little chat. I wouldn’t want you to miss anything. Most important to get all the details recorded, don’t you agree? I can keep it as a souvenir.” His tone was sarcastic and then he sighed with contentment. “Let me explain…actually, it’ll be nice to be able to share my brilliant plan with someone who can fully appreciate it in all its complexity. Your timing is excellent, I’m just about to put the final phase into place.” He saw that she was only barely conscious. He walked to his desk and removed a hypospray. “A little stimulant, Captain. Something to keep you with me while I share a story with you. I do like an appreciative audience.”

The affect was almost instantaneous, and there was no chance of her passing out now.

“As I was saying, Captain. I’m going to answer all those nagging little questions that you have about my plans. Everything will be revealed! More than you hoped for I’m sure.” He was gloating. “But before I do, let me just say that everything you’ve done will be for naught. You’ll have all the details recorded,” he gave her arm a nudge with his foot, causing another wave of pain to crash over her. “And all the loose ends tied up. But you won’t be sharing it with anyone.” He laughed. “No sadly, you’ll be dead. Along with your family, I believe. Such a tragic story. So, how does it feel, Captain, to know that you were so close to the answer and yet, you failed? No one will even know what happened to you. You’ll just disappear. All that sacrifice. _Dear me_. Seven years struggling to bring your ship home and then another six months in virtual exile and after all that, _you fail_.” He put the device close to her arm and activated it. Despite her best efforts, Janeway screamed in agony.

“Fuck you,” she managed through gritted teeth, almost hoping she could goad him into killing her.

“A total failure, Captain.” He ignored her insult and continued to taunt her. “And because of your failure, let me tell you how many people are going to suffer and how they’ll die…”

He adjusted the apparatus and pointed it at her and activated it. The pain was incredible and Janeway found herself incapable of movement or speech. She couldn’t even scream. All she wanted to do was pass out, but whatever he’d done had incapacitated her but left her hyper-alert and more than aware of what was happening.

“But first, please just stay there while I deal with a few loose ends and then we’ll continue our little chat.”

The Bolian returned with two other crew. Merat shot Berjis first and managed to also kill one of the other men as they walked in the door. The third man, perhaps sensing that something was amiss, turned and ran before the second man had hit the ground.

“Please make yourself comfortable, Captain. I’ll be back in a minute or two.”

And with that, he followed his prey out the door.

Janeway tried with every fiber of her being to get up and escape, but her body just wouldn’t cooperate. She was unable to move a leg, let alone get to her feet and run away.

It was a short time before Merat returned.

“Captain. How rude of me, I hope you were able to amuse yourself while I was busy with my ex-colleagues.” He bent down and dragged the two bodies out into the corridor. “Now, where were we?”

\--<>\--

She had no idea how long he had been talking. It seemed like days. So far, he had detailed how he was going to use the ships and how many people were on each of the planets he planned to destroy.

“I’ll be thinking of you when I cause the destruction of Earth. A planet, which will benefit all concerned, by disappearing.” He delighted in watching Janeway react to this. “Oh dear, didn’t you figure that bit out? It’s such a shame you won’t be around to watch all your _remaining_ friends die.”

All through this mission, for some reason, Janeway had never thought that Earth was at risk. The thought that the majority of the Voyager crew were going to suffer again because of her failure, just added to her misery.

Merat was obviously insane. He’d explained his ‘demands’ and had shared with her that he knew they that none of them would be able to be met by the Federation or the Romulans or Klingons for that matter. It was all part of his plan, he assured her. He rambled on and on about how ‘his mission’ would re-establish Cardassia’s power. Sometimes he would get so carried away with his narrative that he’d almost forget that she was there, but something would bring him back to the present and he would again turn his attentions to her.

Janeway knew enough to realize that he could keep reviving her for hours. Unfortunately, he was very good at his job and she knew it wouldn’t be long now before he’d broken her body and her mind.

\--<>\--

There was something very wrong. Chakotay could sense it.

As he turned into another corridor, he spotted a man sprawled out across a doorway. He looked human and it appeared he’d been phasered. His heart lurched.

He started running further down the corridor. No one stopped him. In fact, he saw no one else at all and the tricorder wasn’t registering any life signs.

There were another two bodies outside a door at the end of this corridor. They were also victims of a phaser blasts and, as he bent down to check the bodies, a noise came through the door he’d just passed. Although it had been nearly eight years since he’d heard the sickening sound of a Cardassian pain device making contact with a victim, it was something that still gave him nightmares. The fact that there was no resulting scream indicated that whoever was on the receiving end was in trouble. Big trouble.

Backing up and standing quietly outside the door, he hoped he was wrong. He set his phaser for ‘kill’ and put his ear to the door and listened. A cold, hard male voice was all he could hear.

Chakotay burst into the room and without hesitation pointed his phaser at the Cardassian and fired. The Cardassian had made it easier for him by pointing a weapon in his direction. Not that he needed any incentive. Chakotay had every intention of killing him anyway.

Kathryn Janeway lay on the floor. It was obvious that she’d been the victim of the Cardassian’s ‘ministrations’. What was not apparent was whether she was still alive.

Chakotay dropped to the floor beside her, not sure where to touch her, but desperate to see if she was alive. She moaned when he felt her wrist looking for a pulse and he was almost overcome with relief, but also filled with anguish because he’d caused her pain.

He slapped his communicator, not taking his eyes from her, “Chakotay to the Doctor.”

“ _Yes, Chakotay_.”

“I’ve found Kathryn and need an immediate transport.”

“ _I’m sorry Chakotay, you’ll have to move to another part of the ship. There is heavy shielding in your area_.”

“She’s badly injured. I’m not sure that moving her is a good idea.”

“ _I don’t see that you’ve got any other choice_.”

“Right.” He looked down at the now motionless form in front of him. “Transport us as soon as you can. She’s in a bad way.”

“ _Understood_.”

Chakotay pushed the phaser into his waistband and slipped his arms gently under her and lifted her. She moaned as soon as she was touched and he whispered over and over. “I’m sorry, Kathryn. Shhh…I’m sorry.” He hated the fact that he was causing her pain.

“Ch-tay?”

“I’m here, sweetheart”.

“Arm,” she groaned. Her voice barely a whisper. “Arm.”

“The Doctor will take care of it soon. Just hold on.” He tried to avoid moving her broken arms too much as he picked her up and made his way down the corridor as quickly and carefully as he could. “I’m sorry. We’ll be back to the ship very soon. The Doctor will fix you up.” He wasn’t sure who he was reassuring.

“Arm…” it wasn’t quite a scream of pain, but the noise she made tore at his soul. “Chip. Arm…failed.” She whispered in a sort of hoarse croak.

“It’s okay, Kathryn. I’m sorry. We’re nearly there.”

“Arm… ‘portant… Philip. Arm.” He thought she’d lost consciousness but then she added, “Arm.”

The familiar tingle of the transporter had never been so welcome.

“Put her over here, Chakotay.”

Chakotay gently placed her on the bed in her quarters and the Doctor immediately started scanning her and administering some medications.

“I would suggest, Chakotay that you get us back to friendly space as soon as you can and make it a priority to find the closest Starfleet vessel.” Chakotay looked into the Doctor’s face and the hologram shook his head grimly. “I don’t have the equipment needed here. You need to hurry.”

“She said something about a chip and her arm.” Chakotay looked down at Kathryn. Her eyes were closed but the indistinct groans indicated she was still conscious. “She said it over and over.”

The Doctor scanned Janeway’s arm. He looked shocked and immediately activated something on his tricorder and turned to move into the small area next to Janeway’s bedroom they called her ‘office’.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to send this information back to Starfleet.”

“You’re joking? What about Kathryn? You can’t just leave her to send a message, damn you!”

“Chakotay, if this information is what I think it is, it is vital that it be transmitted as soon as possible.” The Doctor looked at Chakotay. “If she dies, Chakotay, we can’t let it be in vain.”

“ _Die!?_ She can’t die. Please, Doctor, she _can’t die_.”

“Get in touch with the closest vessel you can contact, Chakotay. Please.” The Doctor turned and moved to the office where they kept the transmitter to Admiral Burke.

When Chakotay returned, the Doctor was with Janeway again. Chakotay was shocked by the way the Doctor was talking to her, whispering to her to hang on and keep fighting, telling her that Chakotay was here and that they were going home.

“Ah, here he is now.”

“You’re not going to believe this, but the closest vessel is a Romulan ship called the Siron. They’re on their way at top speed and should be here within thirty minutes.”

“I do believe it. I can’t give you any details yet, I’m sorry, but I have no doubt that the Romulans will provide Kathryn with the very best of care.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Can I sit with her?”

“Of course, but first can I talk with you over here?”

Chakotay gave a worried glance in the direction of Janeway and then nodded. They moved into the bedroom and the look on the Doctor’s face made Chakotay feel ill.

“I don’t need to tell you what she’s been through. I believe she has been periodically revived, using various stimulants that I can’t identify, to allow the ‘procedure’ to continue for so long. I’m afraid she’s gravely ill, Chakotay.”

“But she’s conscious?”

“Yes, but I don’t believe she’ll be able to speak for at least a day or two. Apart from the neurological damage…”

The Doctor didn’t need to elaborate, Chakotay knew what he meant. Her voice would be affected because of the screaming. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. He was all too familiar with that particular symptom. Her speech had been barely a whisper when he’d found her and even then she’d only managed a few words.

“Will she be okay?”

“I hope so, but I honestly don’t know. There’s very little I can do. I’ll try to mend some broken bones to relieve some of the pain but it won’t be enough.” He examined Chakotay. “Perhaps you should talk to her. I’ve done all I can. I know she’d be comforted just hearing your voice.”

“Can’t you give her something?”

“Chakotay, we haven’t got a fully equipped sickbay here. I’m on board for company, not as a physician. The neurological and physical damage is severe and I have only limited diagnostic equipment available to me.” He put his hand on Chakotay’s shoulder. “We’ll know and be able to do more when the Romulans arrive. Go to her Chakotay, she’s missed you so much. Try and keep her calm though, if you can.”

\--<>\--

“Kathryn, if you can hear me, help will be here very soon. You just have to hang on for a little bit longer.” He desperately wanted to hold her hand but the Doctor had told him that the pain would be too great. Instead he stroked his fingers gently across her forehead and down her cheek. The touch was almost more for his benefit than hers. “The Doctor has downloaded all the data, Kathryn. I’m not sure what it’s all about, but I know it must be important. He wasn’t able to tell me but I get the feeling that whatever it is, this was what you were looking for. So I guess it’s all over. I’d really like you to come home now. I have a list of cafes in Tuscany where I want to take you when you get leave. Tuvok told me that you like Tuscany. But maybe we’ll just go to Indiana first and let you get well and strong again. What do you think?”

There was no reaction that he could discern but he didn’t think she was unconscious, her face still looked too tense.

“Harry knew,” Chakotay tenderly wiped a tear from her face feeling them well in his own eyes. “Harry knew. When I returned from Krosten II, I was mightily pissed. I don’t know why I was so angry on top of the disappointment.” He softly brushed a wisp of hair away from her eyes. “I met up with him in San Francisco and I said something not very complementary about you,” he paused slightly and then resumed, “and Harry hit me. Knocked me down on my butt.”

Her eyes almost opened and he knew then she was able to hear him. Another tear leaked out. He continued his tale.

“Yes, Kathryn, our baby has grown up. Anyway, he then told me, not his _theory_ Kathryn, it’s what he _knew_. He said that Starfleet had somehow got their hooks into you in your grief over your family and had sent you on some kind of a crazy secret mission. His faith in you is total, Kathryn.

“I found out what you said to Admiral Hester. I hope you still love me Kathryn, because I’ve never stopped loving you. Maybe that’s why I was so angry after Krosten. Anyway, when I thought about it, it all made sense. Everything. So I had to come see you again. Let you know somehow that I knew and that I’d wait for another answer. But by the time I got to your ship, you were on the Yertoni and when I spoke to the Doctor I was certain that something was very wrong. You know the rest.”

Her eyes fluttered and Chakotay became aware that her breathing was becoming labored and called out for the Doctor.

The Doctor was already with them, taking readings.

“Perhaps you should check on the ETA of the Siron, Chakotay,” Chakotay got the unspoken message loud and clear. They needed the ship to arrive _now_. As he rushed back to the controls to contact them, he could hear the Doctor talking to Janeway, explaining calmly what he was doing and what was happening.

The Siron was only five minutes away from transporter range and Chakotay could have cried in relief. He went aft to let the Doctor know only to find a flurry of activity.

“She’s gone into cardiac arrest. You need to help me.”

He rushed to her side, panic rising like a tide inside him as the Doctor shoved an oxygen mask in his hand and indicated that he should hold it over her face. “The Siron will be in range in less than five minutes.” Chakotay willed his own heart to keep beating as the Doctor worked feverishly on her.

“Let’s hope that’s soon enough.”

At that moment they were contacted by the Siron’s chief medical officer and the Doctor quickly briefed her on the situation.

“Understood Doctor. We’ll be beaming you to our vessel as soon as we’re in range. I’ve had the holo emitters double checked in Sick Bay. All the staff are standing by and ready.”

“Thank you, Doctor Fveirrolh.”

Interminable seconds ticked by until word came from the Siron that they were in range. The Doctor met Chakotay’s eyes and nodded. “Energize.”

\--<>\--

“Hello, you.”

Janeway’s eyes blinked and finally remained open. She tried to focus on the person sitting next to her. She wasn’t completely sure he was really there. Come to think of it, she wasn’t entirely sure if she was even here, wherever ‘here’ was. What she could blearily make out of her surroundings didn’t look familiar at all.

She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then looked at him to check. It sure looked like Chakotay but it seemed unlikely given that the last clear memory she’d had was that she was going to die. Perhaps she was dead. Oh god, if she was dead, then what was Chakotay doing here? Again closing her eyes, this time so that she didn’t see yet another demonstration of her failure.

“Doctor?” Chakotay sounded worried.

“Kathryn, can you hear me?”

Wait a minute. She was prepared to believe that there may be an afterlife but, it seemed a stretch to accept that holograms, albeit sentient ones, would be included.

“Kathryn, you’re safe now. It’s Chakotay and the Doctor.”

“She seems to be distressed or confused. It could be just a bit of disorientation from the medications. All her readings are fine, don’t worry.” That was definitely Philip’s voice.

“Kathryn, open your eyes,” Chakotay instructed. “We’re all safe. You did it. You completed your mission successfully.”

She risked another glance in the direction of the voices.

The smiling faces of Chakotay and the Doctor were looking down on her. A thousand questions popped into her head but for some reason she couldn’t speak. Whether it was because she was too overcome or because she’d lost the ability, she wasn’t sure. The Doctor answered one of the unasked queries.

“Good to see you, Kathryn. You had us worried for a while. I’m afraid your voice will be out of action for a day or two.” He seemed a bit uncomfortable. “Stressed vocal chords.”

When Janeway’s hand waved around randomly, they could tell by the look of frustration on her face that it wasn’t doing what she wished. The Doctor continued.

“You may also have a few motor skills issues for a short time. Nothing permanent, I promise you,” he took her flailing hand and placed it in Chakotay’s. “I’ll leave you to check on your latest tests.”

It was all too tiring and she again closed her eyes. When next she opened them, she realized that she must have been asleep, because Chakotay was gone.

“Ah, Kathryn. Lovely to have you with us again.” The Doctor waved a tricorder over her and smiled with satisfaction. “How do you feel?”

Janeway didn’t speak but managed to convey a great deal to him with a slight raise of one eyebrow.

“Hmm, I thought so. It will only be a minute or so and I’ll finish my readings and get you something.”

She closed her eyes again but opened them when she heard a strange voice.

“How is she this morning, Doctor Philip?”

“Your treatment has been wonderfully efficacious, Doctor. I’m so very grateful to you all.”

Janeway squinted at the man talking to the Doctor. He _looked_ Romulan. That seemed too fantastic to be true. She supposed he could be Vulcan but his voice seemed just a bit too _bubbly_. “Must be the drugs.” Janeway thought to herself.

“Kathryn? There’s someone here to meet you.” The Doctor took the other man by the arm and guided him to Janeway’s bedside. “Kathryn…Captain Kathryn Janeway, I am honored to introduce you to Doctor Fveirrolh, head physician of the Siron of the Romulan Empire.”

“Captain, it’s an honor to have been of service to you. Romulus owes you much.”

Having very little idea what he was talking about and still having problems with her speech, Janeway smiled as best she could. The Romulan seemed delighted with this small gesture.

“Well, Captain, I know that you’re very tired, so I will leave you in the very capable hands of your physician.” Turning to the Doctor, he added, “Doctor, if you care to join us when the Captain gives you leave, we will be further discussing Ginervan virology. We would, of course, welcome your input.” And with a gallant bow, he was gone.

“Rom…?” asked Janeway.

“You don’t remember?” she shook her head slightly. “The Siron was the closest vessel available to help us after Chakotay got you out of the Yertoni.” He gently pressed a hypospray to her neck, and her headache dissipated. “We’ve been on board for nearly three days. They’ve been absolutely wonderful hosts and their care of you has been nothing short of superb.”

“Thank..thm.”

“Don’t worry, Chakotay has made it perfectly clear to them how grateful we are. He’s with the Captain now. Chakotay, I mean. The Romulans have been happy to help though. You are now an official Romulan hero.”

“ _What_?”

“Three of the planets on the list were Romulan and most of this crew have family or friends who live there.”

“All safe?”

“Yes, all the disasters have been averted. We were able to get a definitive list from the recording.” He closed his tricorder and smiled. “We’re only a couple of days away from Earth. In a gesture of friendship, the Siron is bringing you all the way home. They won’t admit it, of course, but they’re very excited about the spirit of cooperation that exists between the Federation and the Empire. Not to mention the Cardassians and the Klingons. Everything’s coming up roses thanks to one very brave and resourceful, Captain Janeway.”

“Not me. _Team_.” She managed to grasp his hand. “Mean it.”

\--<>\--

“Did you want to know what will be happening once we get to Earth?”

Janeway shrugged. As yet, she wasn’t speaking very much. It was hard to determine if this was because of her indifference with what was going on around her or because of her frustration with her language difficulties. Thankfully, the Doctor was confident that her speech would improve more quickly than her physical problems, but just the same, Chakotay longed to hear her voice and especially her laugh.

“Well, we’ll be in orbit within a few days. You’ll be transferred to Starfleet Medical initially but the Doctor thinks it’ll only be a day or two before you’re released. Maybe not even that long.” He smiled and pushed a strand of hair that was obviously bothering her out of her eyes.

“Philip?”

“After making sure you’re being properly taken care of, he’ll be transferred to Research.”

Chakotay could tell Janeway was troubled by this development. He was too. The reintegration of the Doctor with his original program was one thing, but there was still the outstanding issue of his mobile emitter and whether the Doctor would be granted full autonomy.

They sat in silence for some time until Chakotay spoke.

“Hopefully, we’ll be seeing all our friends in a day or two. They’re going to be delighted to have you back.”

“Do you think so, Chakotay?” she looked uncertain about the prospect of meeting them.

“Kathryn, of course they’ll be happy to see you. They’ve been worried, but never angry with you.”

“Even after I lied to them?”

He smiled at her and squeezed her hand.

“Only Kathryn Janeway could be feeling guilty after saving millions of lives.” That at least got a smile from her. “Anyway, let’s talk about us.” He gave her a mock serious look. ‘Now that we’re all finally home, I can down to the serious business of wooing you.”

“Wooing me?”

“Yep. I’ve got quite a few plans for when you’re feeling better.”

“Really?” he nodded. “Chakotay I don’t think that extra wooing will be necessary. You’ve got the whole wooing thing covered.”

“Yes, but I want to go all out. You know – dinner, dancing, picnics, late night strolls…”

“That’s quite a list. Seems like we’ve done most of them already, though.”

“But not done as official wooing. I’d like to start afresh.”

“Sounds wonderful. Woo away. Although, I’m not really up to the dancing yet, but the picnics sound great.”

Janeway laughed and Chakotay realized that it was the first time he’d heard her laugh since the day that Voyager had arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant.

\--<>\--

The Romulan crew were surprisingly friendly. Apparently, their captain had shared with them the remarkable achievements of their passengers and Chakotay was surprised at how many felt it was their duty to thank them personally. He’d been the most accessible, with Janeway still confined to the Siron sickbay and he’d been asked, on their behalf, to forward their appreciation to Janeway.

Once Janeway was out of danger, the Doctor had been monopolized by the Romulan ship’s medical staff, who were delighted when he’d consented to share some of his Delta Quadrant obtained medical knowledge.

Chakotay at first was concerned that the Doctor was sharing information that perhaps Starfleet would be unhappy with but Janeway waved his worries aside.

“He’s under my command, and I’ve authorized it.” She smiled as the Doctor could be seen explaining some technique to the spellbound group. “Apart from the lives saved, this mission has, in the words of Admiral Burke, done more to help relations between long time distant groups. Philip’s tutorials can only further those ends. Or, at least, that’s what I’ll tell them when they court martial me.” Janeway suddenly looked sad. “He’s been so lonely and risked everything to come with me. It’s still not clear whether he’ll be able to be re-integrated.”

Chakotay marveled at her words. So close to what the Doctor, _Philip_ , had said about her. He thought she needed cheering up.

“Your kitten is the hit of the Romulan ship. I’m sure if Indiana didn’t belong to you, they’d have just phasered it.”

“She’s Philip’s cat.”

“He says she’s yours.”

And if on cue, the red blur ran into the sickbay and jumped onto Janeway’s bed. The cat was closely followed by a terrified crewman.

“My apologies Captain, Commander.” The young man was almost reverential in Janeway’s presence. He looked horrified that he’d in some way failed the honored Captain Janeway.

“Thank you for looking after our pet…I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”

The young man’s eyes widened and he stuttered out, “Qian, Captain.” He looked terrified.

“Well, I appreciate you looking after her. She’s a bit of a handful, Mister Qian. I’m very grateful.”

“I am your servant, Captain. My parents are engineers on Otaared. I owe you a great deal.”

“Mister Qian, I’m a soldier, like you. I was just doing my duty.”

\--<>\--

As they approached Earth, Chakotay could see that, although Janeway was much improved, she had not escaped from Merat unscathed.

Her speech was still badly affected and her coordination was seriously compromised, especially her left side. Her left arm wasn’t working at all and walking was only possible with assistance. The Doctor had assured them both that full mobility would be regained but it might take a week or two.

Chakotay was concerned that she wasn’t happier to have everything resolved and to be going home.

“Kathryn, what’s wrong? I know the last few months have been hard but just look what you’ve achieved. And that’s on top of bringing your crew home from a 70,000 light year exile.”

“Even bringing Voyager home early came at a price.”

“You mean the loss of Admiral Janeway?”

She huffed out a bitter laugh.

“I meant my mother and sister.”

“How so?”

“Chakotay, they were killed in a Starfleet shuttle. If it hadn’t been for me, they’d be alive today.”

“I’m sorry, Kathryn. I’m not following you. How was it your fault?”

“They were on their way to welcome us home. My mom didn’t have a shuttle and pilot on call if she wanted to do some shopping.” Her eyes were full of tears. “They died because of my actions.”

“No, they weren’t.”

“Chakotay…”

“They were on their way back from Utopia Planetia, Kathryn. They’d been at the commissioning of the USS Janeway, Starfleet’s latest ship, named after your father. They didn’t even know you’d got home. In fact, we weren’t home when they crashed.” He held her hand in his. “The crash happened about thirty minutes before we came through the hub.”

Chakotay watched her as she processed this information. A range of emotions passed from moment to moment on her face. The tears were still falling but she didn’t look as distressed as a minute or so.

“They named a ship after Daddy?” she sniffed.

“Hermes class. Extreme long range exploration. It was going to try and setup some better communications between the Alpha Quadrant and Voyager.”

“No one ever mentioned it.”

“It was to be surprise from what I can gather.”

“I…it sure…but Burke…” Janeway lapsed into silence. “No wonder Admiral Janeway was so upset when she arrived on Voyager. I thought it must’ve only been about Joe Carey but it must’ve also been about Mom and Phoebe. She couldn’t be sure that we’d get home in time.” She closed her eyes. “It must’ve been like losing them twice.”

\--<>\--

After bidding a heartfelt thanks and goodbye to the Romulan captain and his medical staff, the three were beamed directly to Starfleet Medical.

Unfortunately, all hopes of a restful time for any of them were dashed as soon as they materialized.

Chakotay was whisked away for some kind of debriefing and the Doctor and Janeway were moved so quickly that Chakotay didn’t have time to find out where they were going before they disappeared.

He was beyond surprised when, some hours later, he was found by B’Elanna, sitting in a waiting room, nursing a cold cup of tea.

“Chakotay, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Are you all right?”

He was up and in her arms in an instant but didn’t speak and B’Elanna just held his shuddering body to her. Finally, he regained control and gave her a hug.

“Not that I’m not glad to see you, but how did you know where we were? They’re not even letting me see her, for some reason.”

“Ah, that would be my fault. Sorry, it never occurred to me they wouldn’t let you see her.”

Chakotay didn’t even pretend to understand. “What?”

B’Elanna smiled. “I’m in charge of the Captain’s security. I’ve just been to where she’s being checked over.” Chakotay shook his head. Still not understanding. “Owen called me just after he spoke to you. She’s being released tonight and, as Owen said, who better than a Klingon to protect someone?” B’Elanna beamed at him, obviously delighted with her job. “Actually, I’m not so much security as a filter to keep her from being bothered by either the media or anyone else.”

“She’s being released tonight?”

“Yep, tonight. We’re taking her home to Indiana. It’s all arranged. I’ve already got the senior staff getting everything ready. Harry’s making sure the house is cleaned and everything so it’s ready for her to move in and be comfortable. I’ve put Seven in charge of the cat.” She added with a certain amount of relish.

“She’s going home soon?”

“Yes, very soon. In about an hour.” She looked at him with worry. “Chakotay are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Sorry, B’E. It’s all just a bit much to take in. What about the Doctor?”

“He’s not coming with us. I’ve given the p’taQs at Research _very specific_ instructions and more than a few threats of physical violence, if they screw up his program. I think he’ll be fine.” Her smile faltered. “They’ve gone a bit cagey about the mobile emitter. Owen’s on the case though.”

\--<>\--

Chakotay could hear voices as he approached the corner in the long corridor. B’Elanna had given him directions to Kathryn’s room.

“Absolutely amazing, Admiral. Quite frankly I thought she’d be killed, like the others, but we had to try. Janeway’s done a…”

Admiral Burke rounded the corner and almost ran right into Chakotay.

“Excuse me…”

Chakotay took one look at him and his rage exploded. “You bastard!” He punched Burke in the face, and with an immense sense of satisfaction, sent him tumbling to the ground. Several Starfleet security officers suddenly materialized and restrained Chakotay, who initially tried to free his arms but then relaxed and stopped struggling.

“Release him. It’s okay.” The Admiral staggered to his feet, with the help of a young ensign. “As you were.” Burke nodded at both the officers restraining Chakotay, and reluctantly they let him go, returning to their positions near the end of the corridor.

Burke turned to Chakotay as he straightened his clothing and gingerly touched his jaw. He turned to the other admiral he talking to. “Bert, I’ll contact you in a few hours.” The other man nodded and moved off, giving Chakotay a wary glance. Burke turned to Chakotay. “Commander, I didn’t recognize you. Walk with me, please.”

Chakotay didn’t want to do anything this son of a bitch asked. He just wanted to pummel some remorse into the supercilious prig. “You sent her out to die, you callous bastard. The best officer Starfleet’s produced in a generation and you were willing to _sacrifice_ her like…”

“Commander, please. I had to try everything. We were desperate. Truly desperate. The Captain was fully informed, nor was she ordered to take on the mission.”

“Please, spare me the platitudes. You let her believe her mother and sister died coming to meet Voyager, you didn’t even tell her the truth about that. You manipulated her from the outset. Don’t lie to me.”

“Commander, I did what I had to do. I know an apology would be an insult, but believe me, had there been any alternative available, I would’ve taken it.”

Chakotay just shook his head. He hadn’t been so angry with someone for a long time and he hated the feeling. He needed to get to Kathryn as soon as possible. Only by her side would he find the peace he craved. So, without further acknowledging Admiral Burke, he pushed passed him and made his way back down the corridor towards Kathryn’s room.

He found her asleep but was happy just to be able to keep watch over her. Glancing at the clock in her room, he realized that it was less than thirty minutes until they were to be transported to her home in Indiana.

Philip was making some updates to her chart as he entered the room.

“Ah, Chakotay. I, er, won’t be joining you.” The Doctor fussed with a PADD that he was holding. “I’ve put all the instructions for Kathryn’s care for the next few days on this,” he handed the PADD to Chakotay, “I’ll leave her in your capable hands.”

“Doctor, I mean, Philip, thank you so much for looking after Kathryn during the mission. I’m sorry that you aren’t coming home with us.”

“Admiral Burke has told me he will be making recommendations to Starfleet about allowing me access to my emitter.” their eyes met. Neither man had any particular respect for Burke, nor did either have any faith or trust in him. “Anyway, Kathryn probably won’t wake now until tomorrow morning, the final test required her to be very still. She’ll be fine tomorrow, though.”

Using the comm. unit in the room, he called the number that B’Elanna had given him earlier.

“Harry, it’s me. Keep everyone at the house. I’ve just spoken the B’E, and we’ll be home in half an hour and there’s some things l’d like them to do…”

\--<>\--

Janeway was in a boat. A rocking boat and someone was waving at her from the shore, calling to her. She couldn’t hear what they were shouting and now she felt like she was falling overboard.

“Captain!”

Janeway woke with a start and gripping the mattress, realized that she was in bed and had been dreaming. The rocking she’d felt was real, however. Seven of Nine was bouncing, albeit a very gently, on the side of her bed.

Even after all the marvels and mayhem of last seven and a half years, she found it strangely comforting that she could still be surprised by _anything_. And she had to admit that Seven of Nine, an ex-Borg drone, sitting on the side of her bed, _bouncing_ , was pretty damn strange. So strange, in fact, that Janeway wasn’t quite sure what to say.

Seven noticed that Janeway had woken and stopped her motion.

“Good morning, Ca-Kathryn. Welcome home.” Seven leant down and kissed her on the cheek. “I am to ‘see if you need a hand’ getting up this morning.” Seven smiled a very small smile. “Harry said that I should jump on your bed, because I am the youngest and it is therefore my job.”

Janeway thought that statement was only slightly less bizarre than Seven bouncing on her bed and kissing her good morning, and still she couldn’t think of a thing to say.

“Do you require any assistance?”

“Thank you, Seven. That’s very thoughtful of you, but I think I’ll be able to manage.” Seven stood up but Janeway grabbed her hand to stop her leaving. “Seven, I hope you’ll be able to forgive me for the way I spoke to you. I didn’t really mean…” Janeway’s voice was still croaky and her speech still slightly slurred but Seven didn’t appear to notice.

“Captain…Kathryn…please, I do understand and there is nothing to forgive. Really.” Seven gave her a bright smile. “I am just very pleased that you are finally home.”

“Thank you, Seven. It’s more than I deserve.”

“Not at all.” Seven helped Janeway stand. “If you do not require my help, I will go downstairs and guard your breakfast, otherwise Harry may consume your pancakes.”

Janeway tottered towards her wardrobe. She’d opened the door before it had even registered that she was in her family home, indeed her childhood room, in Indiana.

“Actually, Seven, I think I may need some help after all,” she said, as she attempted to shrug on her old dressing gown with one arm before Seven helped her put it on. “Pancakes?”

“B’Elanna suggested them. She calls them ‘comfort food’ and we all thought it would be appropriate under the circumstances.” Seven looked almost excited. “My favorite are strawberry pancakes, but I have hidden the fruit from Tom and Harry. Pancakes are…” Seven seemed to search for a word. “… _yummy_.”

At that moment, laughing could be heard from downstairs. The unmistakable laugh of Tom Paris.

“They’re really all down there? I’m not sure…” Janeway looked uncertain.

“Your immediate Voyager family. B’Elanna, Chakotay, Harry, Tom _,_ ” Seven smiled, “and myself. Of course, the whole crew wanted to be here to welcome you home, but we have agreed that it would be perhaps overwhelming. There is some discussion, however, of a ‘real’ welcome home celebration within the next few weeks.” Seven eyed Janeway carefully. “I will assist you down the stairs. Chakotay and B’Elanna will be especially glad of your presence as they are having trouble coping with Tom’s high spirits since we found out you’d come home.”

“Thank you, Seven,” she took the young woman’s arm. “You’re right. I will need help getting downstairs.”

“It is my pleasure.”

Janeway was glad of Seven’s help. She certainly wouldn’t have been able to negotiate the stairs by herself as she was still having difficulty with her lack of coordination.

As Seven gently guided and supported her down the stairs and towards the kitchen, she could hear the voices of her former crewmates. Suddenly, she felt quite emotional at the prospect of seeing everyone and hoped that she wouldn’t cry when she saw them all. A firm, but gentle tug on her arm from Seven got her through the final few steps.

The big Janeway kitchen and dining room looked the same as she remembered it. It was the first time in well over seven years that she’d set foot in it and Janeway found herself slightly uneasy about seeing it again after all this time.

The welcome she got surprised and delighted her and she forgot her trepidation within seconds. It was though she’d never been away from them and the past six months had never happened. Seven guided her to the table and she was happy to sit down in a large comfortable chair that was usually found in the living room. The short walk had exhausted her. Looking around at this little gathering she was reminded of all those occasions where she’d joined them for get-togethers and celebrations in the mess hall. And after seven years together, there were more wonderful memories than she could count… although, no one had ever used her first name in the mess hall.

“Good morning, Kathryn, welcome home.” B’Elanna seemed to be the first to notice her arrival, “Thank goodness you’re here. Maybe Tom’ll behave now.” B’Elanna leant down and kissed Janeway on the cheek, as if it was something she’d always done and returned to the kitchen counter where she seemed to be in full pancake production mode.

Tom, also at the counter, turned around holding a plate.

“Ah, there you are. Welcome home. I’ve missed you.” He kissed her too. “Now that you’re here maybe Seven will tell us where the strawberries are. What do you say, Seven?”

“Of course, Tom.” Seven smiled at him and opened one of the cupboards. “They are in here. If there are any left after I make Kathryn’s breakfast, you may have some.”

It was all so normal, yet completely strange that Janeway couldn’t think of anything to say, so she just sat quietly at the table and simply enjoyed being with these people again. As she sat and watched Seven smacking away Tom’s attempt to steal berries, the group was joined by Harry Kim, carrying Miral.

“Hello Kathryn. Lovely to see you. Welcome home.” He handed Janeway the baby and kissed her on the forehead. “Here hold this for me, will you?”

She didn’t have time to be shocked by Harry’s action, because at that moment, Miral grabbed her nose. So engrossed was she with the baby, that she didn’t realize that Chakotay had completed the group. Miral seemed perfectly content to sit on her lap and Janeway was more than happy to have her. The large chair they had seated her in gave her plenty of support and she relaxed into it.

The kitchen was abuzz with talk of coffee, tea, pancakes, bananas, strawberries and laughter. When Miral, who seemed perfectly at ease with being passed from person to person, was lifted from her arms by Tom and a most delicious breakfast treat put in front of her, Janeway wondered where Chakotay had got to.

He’d been to get coffee. Bless him. Chakotay sat next to her, bringing with him a mug of wonderfully fragrant coffee. “Only one cup for the day, I’m sorry Kathryn. Doctor’s orders.” He then, like everyone else this morning, leant over and kissed her. Although he, _unlike_ everyone else, kissed her on the lips, making her forget temporarily about pancakes and most everything else. Putting the coffee down on her right side, he then quietly cut up her food and put a fork down also on her right side. He then turned his attention to his own breakfast and, an apparently, on-going discussion of activities for the day.

Finally, everyone was seated at the table and Miral was in a high chair next to B’Elanna.

The conversation was full of the usual Voyager banter. Janeway had never heard anything so wonderful. No one seem to expect her to explain her actions or tell them anything of what she’d been doing for the last six months, for which she was very grateful. Apart from not really being ready to share the worst of it, still struggled with her speech. Not that anyone would care, of course, but she found it frustrating.

“Is that the comm?” Harry asked, as he poured himself another coffee and then carefully pushed the pot out of the reach of Miral.

“I’ll get it,” said B’Elanna, as she picked up her empty plate and put it on the sink. “It’s probably someone else from the crew checking.”

“Crew?” This was the first word Janeway had spoken since entering the kitchen.

“Yeah,” said Tom, “the comm’s been running hot since we found out you were home, with the family wanting to know that you’re okay.”

B’Elanna returned a few minutes later.

“Who was it?” asked Chakotay.

“Some woman named Tahara. Of course, she wanted to talk to Kathryn. I told her she was having her breakfast.” B’Elanna took her seat at the table. “She said ‘no problem’ and also said she’d probably drop by later, around ten, if that was okay.” B’Elanna replaced the soggy piece of toast in Miral’s hand with a new one, ”I told her sure, as long as she called first to make sure Kathryn was up to it and that she cleared it through Owen’s office.”

Harry and the Tom looked at B’Elanna, open mouthed.

“What?” B’Elanna asked.

“You just told the President of the Federation that Kathryn was busy?” Harry whistled. “I guess that’s the end of you being the senior officer here.”

“Senior officer?” Janeway asked, bemused by all the comments.

“You’re on leave, Harry’s only a lieutenant, so that makes me the most senior officer.”

“You stayed in Starfleet?”

“Oh yeah, and got a promotion to go with it.”

Janeway smiled. “Commander Torres? Has a nice ring to it. Congratulations, Lanna.”

“Thanks. Now that you’re home, we can finally have the celebration party.”

Janeway seemed quite overcome by this pronouncement. She didn’t have a chance to get too emotional however as Tom suddenly thrust Miral into her arms.

\--<>\--

By late afternoon, the group had quieted down but still remained in the living room. Janeway had her meeting with President, who had turned up at the front door with no fanfare or even visible escort, but declared that she had indeed cleared her visit with Admiral Paris. She’d seemed both amused and impressed with B’Elanna’s attitude. The President had only stayed a short time, not wanting to tire out the still fragile Janeway. The two women had been left alone in the kitchen with a pot of tea.

A knock on the door immediately sent B’Elanna into what Tom was calling her “watch dog role”.

“If it’s the Admiral in Chief, tell him that Kathryn is busy groping Chakotay right now.”

B’Elanna and Janeway both gave Tom death glares, although Janeway’s wasn’t completely effective due to Chakotay picking that moment to play with her hair. B’Elanna left to attend to the visitor.

“She hasn’t got a bat’leth by the front door, has she?” asked Harry, only half joking.

“She won’t hurt anybody, but she could give them a serious verbal scolding,” replied Tom.

“Look who I just found.”

All eyes went to the doorway to view the latest arrival.

“Philip!” Janeway stood quickly and then practically toppled over. However she wasn’t deterred from moving towards him once she regained her feet. “Welcome home!”

The Doctor rushed to Janeway’s side to embrace her, before helping Chakotay get her back onto the sofa.

“Kathryn, you look so much better since the last time I saw you.” He gave her a familiar scowl. “But I think you are disobeying the doctor’s orders. You do remember the direction about ‘bed rest’, don’t you?”

“Oh, come on Philip. We’re home, at least let me enjoy it a little, please?”

“Well, just this once.” He looked around. “Hello, everyone. It’s good to see you all again. Where’s Miral?”

“She’s just having a nap, but she’ll be on deck soon enough.”

“Good, I’m looking forward to seeing her again.”

“Doctor, not that we’re not glad to see you, but how did you get released so quickly?”

“Well, apparently the President of the Federation, under strict instructions from an unknown source,” he smiled at Janeway, “well, I’m not sure _what_ she told them, but they had B’Elanna’s detailed instructions for my re-integration out in the blink of an eye and had the procedure completed within minutes. Then they handed me my mobile emitter and shook my hand. If I thought that was a surprise, it was nothing to seeing the waiting shuttle to bring me here.”

“To bring you _home,_ ” said Janeway.

“Yes, we’re finally home, Kathryn.” They shared a smile. “The good news is that they even let me keep some of the mementos that I picked up along the way.”

“That’s wonderful, Doc. I mean, Philip. What have you got?” Tom peered into the satchel the Doctor had put down to hug Janeway.

“Well, for starters, there are all the souvenirs that Kathryn bought me from some of the planets we visited…”

“Philip, no…” Janeway’s tone was stern, but she was struggling not to laugh.

The group’s interest was piqued now.

“Of course, she bought home Indiana,” he looked at Janeway, who was leaning into Chakotay on the adjacent sofa. On her lap, was the little cat, leaning against her in a very similar manner. “ _Her_ cat.”

“ _Your_ cat.”

“Hmm. She looks like my cat.” Not giving her a chance to reply, he continued to rummage around in the sack, pulling out a chip. “Ah, yes, it’s the collection of wonderful folk music that Kathryn obtained early in the mission.”

The group looked mystified when Janeway and the Doctor looked at each other and burst into laughter.

“This must be what it was like for our family and friends when we got home,” said Harry.

“Yep, this sounds like a real case of ‘you had to be there’,” Tom ventured.

“Well, perhaps,” said the Doctor with a smile. “But here, Mr Kim,” he handed Harry the chip. “I think you will enjoy the _music_. We thought of you when Kathryn bought it back.”

The Doctor again rummaged around in the bag until he found another data chip. “Ah, yes, this is what I was looking for.” He held it up. “Some of the mission logs.”

“Philip! I’m surprised at you. Surely they’d be still classified.”

Not that any of the group cared. They would have liked to have known details of their captain’s mission but were not prepared to ask her to break any regulations to get them.

“Oh, don’t worry. I had this cleared before I left. Although, apparently after the President’s ‘request’, I could probably ask for the Enterprise to take me to Risa and it would be at my doorstep.” He prepared to put the chip into the player. “I think we could call this the mission’s ‘blooper tape’.”

Suddenly, Janeway realized what the chip contained. It was episodes of her drunken ravings that had been recorded when she’d returned to the ship. This had the potential to be extremely embarrassing.

“Oh, no, Philip. Have mercy.”

“Certainly, Kathryn,” he gleamed in triumph. “Whose cat is Indiana?”

Janeway knew when she was beaten. She sighed.

“She’s mine. She’s _my cat_. All right?”

“And how do you feel about her?”

Janeway’s eyes narrowed. It was a look that used to cause her crew to quake in their boots. It now merely bounced off the Doctor, who was currently fiddling with the chip in a meaningful way. Janeway sighed again in total defeat.

“I adore her,” she gritted out.

“Excellent,” said the Doctor and put the chip back in the satchel.

“Hey, I want to listen to that.” said Tom. _Boy_ , did he want to listen to that.

“I wouldn’t think so, Tom,” said the Doctor smugly. “It’s just my personal logs.”

\--<>\--

Janeway couldn’t remember having a more wonderful day. After being filled in on details of the crew and how they were all faring, she was extremely content to sit on the sofa in Chakotay’s arms and listen to them.

However, a few hours after their informal dinner, the group made preparations to depart.

“You’re not leaving?” Janeway was genuinely upset at the prospect of her friends going. “When will I see you all again?”

“I’d say tomorrow at breakfast,” said Harry.

“We could come earlier, if you wish, but I assumed that Chakotay would be responsible for making your bed bounce from now on,” Seven added guilelessly.

Tom nearly choked and B’Elanna actually laughed out loud.

“What?” asked Seven.

“I’ll explain later,” Harry turned to Janeway. “Starfleet have organized direct transports for us all between our homes and the house.”

“Seventy thousand light years and you still can’t get away from us,” added B’Elanna.

“I’ve never wanted to get away from any of you,” said a teary Janeway.

The Doctor picked up his bag and made to join the others.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” asked Janeway.

“Well, I thought…”

“This is your home. This will _always_ be your home. Upstairs, first room to the left at the top of the stairs.” Janeway tottered from Chakotay’s tender grasp. “Consider yourself a Janeway, Philip. I wasn’t kidding.”

A shared moment of understanding passed between the two and then the Doctor made his way to the stairs.

“The cat sleeps with you.” He called when he got to the top of the stairs.

“Meow.” said Chakotay.

 

_**The End** _

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Elem for the mighty beta. The woman is a marvel. Having said all that, I’ve made a few changes to this story since I got it back, so any mistakes are all mine.


End file.
